Josh>. Get this: Drake says I have “Bad luck.”
Drake>. I say Josh has bad luck. You know way?
Josh>. I do not have bad luck.
Drake>. ‘cause he has bad luck.
Josh>. Any time something terrible happens to me? It’s ‘cause of Drake.
Drake>. But Josh blames alllll his problems on me.
Josh>. Like…why did I get good poisoning? Drake forgot to refrigerate the clams（ハマグリ、二枚貝）.
Drake>. And he gives me no credit for（～を認めて褒める、おかげ） the nice stuff I do for him.
Josh>. Why do I have foot burns? Drake accidentally set my socks on fire.
Drake>. Like his desk lamp. It was flickering（ちらつく）, right? So I fixed the switch.
Josh>. Well, I better get started on my homework. Blblblblblbl!
Drake>. I just think Josh needs to appreciate me a little more, ya know? ‘cause if you ask me, his life is way more fun when I’m around. I mean, I’m not asking for like a pat on the back （褒められる）every day, but, you know, I just think he could give me how and then. You know? I mean, come on.
Josh>. [muttering（つぶやく、ボソボソ、ゴロゴロ）]
Drake>. I like juice.
…………………………
Josh>. [snoring]
both>. ♪for it’s your happy good birthday, for it’s your happy good birthday, for it’s your happy good biiiirth-dayyyyy…happy birthday to you… Josh♪
Josh>. Aw, you guys remembered. Wow, it’s early.
>. Yeah, well, we were heading down to the botanical（植物の） garden center. On Saturdays they let you in for half price if you get there before 9:00.
>>. Petunias（ペチュニア）, here we come!
>. Oh, hey! Did you get tickets to see Oprah?
Josh>. No. They sold out in like less than an hour.
>. Aw. Well, maybe she’ll come back to San Diego again some time.
>>. I doubt that.
>. No one needs your negativity.
>>. You sang flat.
>. You wanna pop in the chops?
Josh>. Guys, guts, guys, guys! Come on! No fighting on Joshie’s birthday.
>>. He’s right. Come on, let’s go see those petunias.
>. OK! Oh, hey, Drake.
>>. Hey, Drake.
Drake>. Who let you guys in our house?
>. Megan opened the door and told us that we could…
……………
Josh>. So. Uh… how was your shower?
Drake>. Fine. Wet.
Josh>. Um, so… how come（＝why） you’re up and dressed so early?
Drake>. Because today is a very special day.
Josh>. I know.
Drake>. See? Check it out.
Josh>. Guitar would free give-away（景品、無料サンプル）?
Drake>. Yeah. You see, the first 50 people who buy somethin’ from there get a free set of bongo drums.
Josh>. Oh.
Drake>. Yeah. That after that, I’m gonna pick up Tabitha and take her to lunch. You know, things are gettin’ pretty serious between me and her.
Josh>. You’ve been dating her since Tuesday.
Drake>. I know. See ya!
Josh>. Wait, wait, wait, Drake.
Drake>. What?
Josh>. isn’t there something you wanna say to me?
Drake>. Uh…yeah. You have a little dried drool（よだれ） on your chin there.
Josh>. He forgot my birthday. Ohh, that is dried drool.
……………………………………
♪Well, I never though that it’d be so simple but ♪I fond a way, I found a way♪If you open up your mind, (to see what’s inside)♪It’s gonna take some time to realize ♪but if you look inside, I’m sure you’ll find♪over your shoulder you know that I told you I’ll always be picking you up when you’re down♪So just turn around♪Ooh- ooh-ooh- ooh♪
……………………………………..
video game>. [squeaking]
Josh>. Hey, Meg.
Meg>. Hey. Happy birthday.
Josh>. You remembered?
Meg>. ‘course. Why wouldn’t I?
Josh>. Drake forgot.
Meg>. And you’re surprised? His brain’s like a black hole. Stuff keeps getting sucked in（吸い込まれる）and nothing ever comes out.
Josh>. Yeah, I guess.
Meg>. Here… I got somethin’ that’ll cheer you up?
Josh>. What?
Meg>. Ta-da.
Josh>. You made me a birthday cake?
Meg>. Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out（結果になる） pretty good. There.
Josh>. Wow. This is really… it’s full of poison, isn’t it?
Meg>. No!
Josh>. What then? Huh? huh? huh? Hot sauce? Some kind of extreme laxative（下剤）?
Meg>. Oh, come on. I wouldn’t let you eat a cake that’d make you sick on your birthday.
Josh>. I’m sorry.
Meg>. It’s OK. Make a wish.
Josh>. All right!
Meg>. I didn’t say it wouldn’t explode.
Josh>. I don’t blame（責める） you so much for doing it as I blame myself for not anticipating（予想） it.
Meg>. I gotta check on Toby.
Josh>. Who’s Toby?
Meg>. He’s a virtual pet. I’m watching him for my friend Jamie while she’s at bassoon camp.
Josh>. Why didn’t she take Toby with her?
Meg>. ‘cause he’s a lotta work. You have to feed him ,walk him, groom him, and play with him or else （さもないと）he’ll die.
Josh>. Cool. Can I see it?
Meg>. No, he doesn’t like men… or whatever you are.
>.[tapping]
Josh>. What is that?
Meg>. Drake. He’s upstairs playing with his new bongos.
Josh>. Him and those stupid hippie drums. I’m gonna go talk to him.
Meg>. Aw, Toby, not on the virtual couch.
……………………………..
Drake>. OK, name it.
>. Uh…zero gravity（無重力）… over my thumb?
Drake>. Oh, yeah. All right. See if you can get this one.
>. Hey, hey,hey! Dude, I gotta clean up my room or my mom’s gonna kill me.
Drake>. Oh, OK. But don’t forget… you gotta（しなくちゃ）get to the Premiere early tonight for the party.
>. Why early?
Drake>. Because it’s a surprise. We gotta get everything set up.
>. OK.
Drake>. OK. Later.
Josh>. Hey, what’s going on?
Drake>. Nothing. What’s up with the, um…
Josh>. Megan.
Drake>. Ahh. Hey, are you doin’ anything tonight?
Josh>. Uh… no. No plans.
Drake>. Good, why don’t you show up to（姿を現す）the Premiere tonight around 8:00?
Josh>. Uh, sure.
Drake>. Cool. See ya there.
Josh>. ♪He remembered… my birthday… Drake’s gonna throw（催す、開く）me a big birthday…I can’t wait to go!♪
……………………………………..
Josh>. Hey!
>. Hi. Josh.
Josh>. Ha ha! Hey, how are you, buddy? Hey, Jess, thanks for coming. Al, means a lot（ありがたい）. Stevie! Got your hair cut. Liked it better the old way, but you’re a good guy.
Josh>. Drake, man. I mean, his party… it’s really nice of you.
Drake>. Thanks.
Josh>. Yeah, I mean, I almost thought you forg…
>. She’s coming in!
Drake>. Ooh, hide, hide! Everybody, hide!
Josh>. Why is everybody hiding? I’m already here.
Drake>. Get down!
Drake>. Now!
Everyboody>. Surprise!
Tabitha >>. Oh, my god! How did you guys know it was my birthday? Drake, you’re the best!
Drake>. Aw, happy birthday, baby.
Josh>. Hey, what? You threw this whole surprise birthday party for Tabitha? A girl you five days ago?
Drake>. Well, yeah, why?
Josh>. Nothin’. Forget it.
Drake>. Where ya goin’?
Josh>. Home.
Tabitha>. Who’s that guy?
Drake>. It was my brother, Josh.
Tabitha>. Well, he’s lucky hen ‘canse he has the sweetest, most thoughtful brother in the whole entire world.
Helen>. Ahem! Ahem! Don’t make me turn the hose on you children.
Drake>. Ooh, sorry.
Helen>. Hey, you know where Josh sent? I wanna give him this birthday present.
Drake>. Oh, no, no, it’s Tabitha’s birthday today.
Tabitha>. Hey.
Helen>. Oh. well, according to my clipboard here, today’s Josh’s birthday too.
Drake>. What?
Helen>. Yeah, the clipboard does not lie.
Drake>. Oh, my god. Tabitha, I’m sorry, I gotta go fix somethin’ , OK?
Tabitha>. Sure.
Helen>. I bought him one of those electric nose-hair trimmers.
Tabitha>. A nose-hair trimmer?
Helen>. Yeah. Josh needs one, not me though. My nostrils are naturally hairless because I have a condition called Nostropecia. Yeah, you will not find one hair in this nose, on account of the Nostropecia.
Tabitha>. I’m gonna go get some punch.
Helen>. All right then.
……………………………….
Josh>. Stupid Drake. Forgets my birthday. Stupid Tabitha. Stupid soy milk.
Toby>. [yipping]
Josh>. Will you shut that dumb virtual pet up, please?!
Meg>. Like I’m not trying?! This thing won’t let me sleep.
Josh>. Then yank out the batteries and just turn it off.
Meg>. I can’t. If I let Toby die, Janie’ll never talk to me again.
Josh>. Well, maybe you’d be better off!
Meg>. Huh?
Josh>. Who needs people in their life? You know, they just hurt. OK? They borrow your money without asking, they spill iced coffee all over your fresh underpants and I’m like, dude…
Meg>. OK, who puked you off?
Josh>. Drake, that’s who! OK, he forges my birthday, but then he throws a huge surprise birthday party for his fluffy new girlfriend that he’s known for five days!
Meg>. Look, I know how bad you must feel right now, but tomorrow morning, I guarantee you’ll feel much worse.
Josh>. That doesn’t make me feel any better.
Meg>. I know. ‘night.
Toby>. [yipping]
Meg>. Quiet, Toby! Man!
Drake>. Josh!
Josh>. I’m not speaking to you.
Drake>. Look, I’m sorry I forgot your birthday.
Josh>. Well, sorry doesn’t sweeten my tea!
Drake>. One more time?
Josh>. Just don’t talk to me!
Drake>. If you’ll just let me show you something, I’m sure it’ll cheer you up,
Josh>. I’ve seen the birthmark on your back, Drake. It does not look like a giraffe raking leaves!
Drake>. No, not that. These.
Josh>. Yeah? What is this, huh? What are you…ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! You got me tickets to Oprah!
Drake>. Hug me, brother.
Josh>. How’d you do this?! I mean, Oprah’s only going to be in San Diego for one day! These are impossible to get!
Drake>. Well, you know he guy who plays bass in my band?
Josh>. Julio?
Drake>. Yeah. Well, Julio’s dad is the sound mixer down at Radcliff studios where Oprah’s going to be doin’ the show.
Josh>. Get out!
Drake>. Yeah, so I went down to Julio’s house, talked to his dad, got the tickets…ohh! And, uh… backstage passes!
Josh>. Aaaahhhhh!
Drake>. Ya love me again?
Josh>. Love you?!
Camera>. [beeps]
Meg>. OK. This is so going on the internet.
……………………………..
Josh>. You think I might actually get to speak to Oprah?
Drake>. Maybe.
Josh>. I can’t stand it!
Drake>. All right. Well, chill out, dude, OK? You know, celebrities don’t like it when ppl(people) get all spazzy(ばかな、ださい). Hey, park there.
Josh>. No. I wanna find a spot closer to the door.
Drake>. Why?
Josh>. ‘cause if we park far away, then we might have to walk too far and I could get sweaty, and I will not meet Oprah with pit stains.
Drake>. Just park the car already.
Josh>. Would you let go of my wheel?
Drake>. Just park…
Josh>. Come on!
Drake>. Hey, watch it! Watch it!
>. Aah!
Josh>. Ohh! Ohh!
>. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call or help!
>.[screaming]
Josh>. I ran over Oprah!
………………………………..
Josh>. This is my worst birthday ever.
Drake>. ‘cause you ran over Oprah?
Josh>. No, because it’s a little humid. Yes, because I ran over Oprah! Uh…excuse me, sir? I was just wondering, is Oprah gonna be… you know, OK?
>. I’m afraid not, son.
Josh>. Oh, no.
>. Ah, I’m just messin’ with ya. She’ll be fine. Just a few cuts and bruises.
>>. Here’s my number.
Drake>. Oh, thanks. And you’ll definitely be the first person I call if ever get in an accident.
Josh>. You’re picking up in girls when I just t-boned my favorite talk show host?
Drake>. Hey, at last you got to meet her.
Josh>. No, no, no. the grill of my car got to meet her, OK? Ohhh, I’m gonna be in so much trouble.
Drake>. No, no, chill out, OK? Her assistant said she’s not gonna press charges, so, you know, everything’s fine.
Josh>. No, no, OK? No. Everything is not fine. OK? I can never watch Oprah again ‘cause all I’m gonna be able to do is think about how much she must hate me for almost killing her!
Drake>. OK,OK. Look, this ambulance says mercy hospital.
Josh>. Yes, yes, yes. We all know that you can read at a third grade level. OK? So?
Drake>. So, we go there, we find Oprah’s room, and you apologize to her.
Josh>. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s good.
Drake>. See? No worries.
>. Excuse me? Are you the young man who ran over Oprah?
Drake>. Oh, no, that’s my brother, Josh.
>. He’s the one!
Josh>. [screaming]
……………………………..
>. All right, al right, all members of the press are going to have to wait in the hospital parking lot. We can’t have you crowding up the hallways by Oprah’s room. Please. Go.
Drake>. All right. Now’s our chance. You ready to meet Oprah?
Josh>. How are we gonna get past those goons?
Drake>. Apparently, you’ve forgotten I’m Drake. Hey, how ya going? I was just wonderin’ if it’s OK if my brother Josh and I go in and say a quick hello to Oprah. You know, Winfrey? Is that…is that OK? Come on.
[fizzling]
Drake>. Aah! Did you just stun me?! All I did was ask if I could say hello…aah! Dude!
Josh>. Drake, Drake, are you all right?!
Drake>. I don’t know!
Josh>. You know, if your friend over here has a problem with my brother, he should politely say to him, look, I don’t…
[fizzling]
Josh>. Waaaaa! What was that for?!
Drake>. You OK?
Josh>. I don’t know!
Drake>. This is not cool. All we want to do is say hello to Oprah for one…
[fizzling]
Drake>. Aaahh!
Josh>. You guys are just mean, OK! And if Oprah knew that you guys were doing this…
[fizzling]
Josh>. Aaahhh!
Drake>. We’re gonna go.
Josh>. Good day. That really hurt.
Drake>. It’s all right, man. I have another idea.
Josh>. Maybe we should just go home.
Drake>. No! I told you I was gonna get you to meet Oprah. Now I’m gonna.
Josh>. How are we gonna get past all these people?
Drake>. Flesh-eating virus! This kid has a flesh-eating virus and it is very, very contagious!
Josh>. Oh, my flesh!
Drake>. Clear the area! Quickly! A flesh-eating virus!
Josh>. Aah!
Drake>. Go quickly, lady.
Josh>. Oh, my flesh! Oh, that was nice.
Drake>. Uh-huh. Now, I believe you have a date with Oprah.
Josh>. My hair! Oh, thank you.
Nurse>. That’s him! That’s the boy with the flesh-eating virus!
Dr.>. The one with the big head?
Nurse>. Yes!
Josh>. OK, it’s not that big, first of all. And whoa! Wait, wait! Drake! No, I’m feeling better! Wait, Drake! Help!
Dr.>. We gotta dip this man in a chemical bath! Stat!
Josh>. Chemical bath?!
Dr>. Stat!
Josh>. What?! What?!
Drake>. Hey, mashed potatoes.
…………………………..
Meg>. Aah!
Drake>. Aw, my bongos.
Meg>. Toby’s dying!
Drake>. What, your virtual pet thingy?
Meg>. Yes! I fell asleep for like 45 minutes and now he’s dehydrated!
Toby>. [yipping]
Meg>. You don’t know what dehydrated means, do you?
Drake>. No.
Meg>. He’s dying of thirst.
Drake>. What dies of thirst in 45 minutes?
Meg>. Apparently Toby! Ah, you’re useless. Come on Toby, live! Live!
Drake>. Hey, man.
Josh>. Hey, man?!
Drake>. Hey. Man.
Josh>. You left me at the hospital o be chemically bathed!
Drake>. Oh, yeah, how’d that go?
Josh>. Oh, actually, it was quite soothing, especially the part where they…it was horrible!
Drake>. OK. What up with the “tude?
Josh>. Do you know what it’s like to have an involuntary chemical bath?! It stings! Everywhere!
Drake>. All right. Look, tell you what. I’m gonna make it up to you, OK?
Josh>. No! OK? No, you’re not! ‘cause that’s when the badness happens! The only time you ever do anything nice for me is after you’ve caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never gonna make up anything to me ever again!
Drake>. Wait. Do this sound OK to you? Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
Josh>. Not really!
……………………………….
Josh>. Helen! Helen! Helen! Helen! I got here as fast as I could. You need me to unclog the butter hose?
Helen>. Josh, here’s no clog in the butter hose.
Josh>. But you just text messaged me… there was a huge clog in…
Everybody>. Surprise!
Drake>. Happy birthday, man.
Josh>. Drake, I can’t believe you did this for me. This is for me, right?
Drake>. Yes. And there’s more. Mom and dad got a call from Oprah’s lawyer.
Josh>. Her lawyer?
Drake>. Yeah, I guess she’s kinda peeved that you ran her over. Look what they sent to the house.
Josh>. A restraining order?
Drake>. Yeah. It says by law, you can’t get within 300 feet of Oprah.
Josh>. And why is this happy news?
Drake>. Check the signature at the bottom.
Josh>. [gasps] Oprah Winfrey. She signed it!
Drake>. Yep.
Josh>. I got an autograph from Oprah! Yeah!
[cheering]
Drake>. Look, man, I’m really sorry I forgot your birthday.
Josh>. It’s OK.
Drake>. No, It’s not. So, I gotcha somethin’ special.
Josh>. Dude, you didn’t have to…
Drake>. Just wait.
Josh>. Craig, Eric, come here. How cool is that? I think I’m gonna put it over my bed.
[beep beep]
Josh>. [gasps]
Drake>. Happy birthday!
Josh>. You got me a vepper?! Dude, how’d you afford… dad’s credit card.
Drake>. Yeah.
Josh>. You’re the best.
Drake>. I know. Well, come on. Hop on. See how she feels.
Josh>. Well, OK! Ohh…ohh! This thing’s awesome! Now, how do you… uh-oh!
Helen>. Aah!
[beep beep]
……………………………………….
2010年4月26日月曜日
2010年4月18日日曜日
[Drake and Josh ] Episode 1 “ Pilot ”
Episode 1 “ Pilot ”
NICK *(Dad: Walter ,Mom: Andrey)
[playing mellow tune]
Drake>. My name’s Drake Parker.
Josh>. I’m Josh Nichols.
Drake>. I should probably be doing my homework.
Josh >. I’m just doing my homework here.
Drake>. But it’s more fun to do this. [playing guitar riff]
Drake& Josh>. Man, I’m thirsty.
Drake>. Ah.
Josh >. Ah.
Drake>. I live here with my mom and my little sister, Megan.
Josh >. I’ve got a great family, even though it’s just me and my dad. I love that guy.
Drake>. I love girls. So my mom[s been dating this guy.
Josh >. So my dad’s been dating this woman. She’s really great.
Drake>. He’s okay, but he’s got this kid that goes to my school.
Josh >. She has a son that goes to my school. Drake.
Drake>. Josh. It’s not that I have anything against Josh.
Josh >. I really don’t know Drake all that well.
Drake& Josh>. But he seems kind of …
Josh >. Okay.
Drake>. …unusual.
…………………………………………
[quiet moaning]
Drake>. Ugh.
[moaning continues] [blows whistle loudly]
Mom>. Drake!
Drake>. Hey, Mom. Mr. Nichols.
Josh >. What happened? I heard screaming!
Mr. Nichols>. It’s all right, son. There’s nothing to mop here.
Drake>. Josh, w-what are you doing here? What’s he doing here?
Josh >. Tell him.
Mom>. Wait. Uh, Drake, quick, get your sister.
Drake>. Megan!
Megan>. Oh, are they done sucking face yet?
Mom>. Kids, Josh’s Dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news.
Drake>. You got me a dirt bike?
Mom>. No.
Both>. We’re getting married.
Drake>. Oh… uh…you’re getting mmm… ma…
Dad>. Yeah. We’re going to be one big old happy family.
Drake>. Wait, wait. You mean he’s going to be my-my stepfather?
Dad>. [chuckling]
Drake>. And you! You’re going to be my… he’s going to be my…
Josh >. Hug me, brother!
Drake>. [screaming]
………………………………………
♪I never though that it’d be so simple but ♪I fond a way, I found a way♪If you open up your mind, to see what’s inside♪It’s gonna take some time to realize ♪but if you look inside, I’m sure you’ll find♪over your shoulder you know that I told you I’ll always be picking you up when you’re down♪So just turn around♪Ooh- ooh-ooh- ooh♪
………………………………………
[knocking on door]
Mom>. Drake? Josh is downstairs.
Drake>. Oh, really? ‘cause I was just writing a song about him. It’s called, “I’m not sharing my room with Josh”
Mom>. Look, I know this is going to be a big adjustment. But I need you to give this a chance.
Drake>. But Mom, he’s goofy. He’s clammy.
>. Hiya, Drake.
Drake>. He’s here.
>. I brought you some licorice, the red kind. I know some people like he black kind, but I thought I’d play it safe and…
Drake>. Mom, don’t do this to me.
>. I should have got the black kind, right?
Mom>. Have a good time, boys.
>. Wow, cool room. Ah, and check out the bed!
Drake>. Wait,wait, no, no, no, no, no, No. no no… oh!
>. Dude, these sheets match my jimmies. So where you gonna sleep?
Drake>. There! I sleep there. You sleep on the couch.
>. The couch? Yeah, I don’t know. I have lumber problems.
Drake>. And how much junk did you bring? Eww, who reads the school newspaper?
>. I do. It’s good.
Drake>. It’s stupid. Ooh, look, a poem by Janitor Jones. “The toilet, Don’t Soil It.”
>. That’s clever.
Drake>. Right. Oh, and here’s the worst. Miss Nancy’s advice column. What a load.
>. A load of good. I think Miss Nancy gives great advice.
Drake>. Whatever, man. I’m going to go play some hoops.
>. Uh, Drake, when will you be back?
Drake>. I don’t know. A few hours?
>. Good. I mean, have fun with the hoops and whatnot.
………………………………………
Dad>. Now it’s my turn to kiss you.
Mom>. Now it’s my turn to kiss you.
Drake>. Now it’s my turn to throw up.
Mom>. Don’t you have something to do?
Drake>. Yeah, I’m going to go play some ball.
Mom>. Did you ask your brother if he wants to play?
Drake>. You know, mom, I don’t really think Josh is the basketball type.
Dad>. Sure he is. Yeah, I taught him myself. Here, toss me the rock. Think fast.
Drake>. Lamps don’t think that fast.
Mom>. Just go ask Josh to play.
………………………………………
Drake>. Hey, Josh, you don’t want to go play any basket… ball!
Both>.[screaming]
Drake>. Oh, my god!
>. I can explain!
Drake>. Oh, my god!
>. I can explain!
Drake>. Mom! Josh is dressed like a freak!
>. I can explain!
Drake>. Why are you dressed like queen Latifah?
>. Because I… I… oh, I can’t tell you.
Drake>. Mom, Josh is dressed like… !
>. Shh! All right! I’ll tell you, but you’ve got to swear to keep it a secret.
Drake>. Fine, I swear. Now talk.
>. All right. I’m, uh… I’m… Miss… (mumbles)
Drake>. What?
>. I’m Miss Nancy, okay? I am Miss Nancy.
Drake>. Wait. From the advice column? Fr…from the school newspaper? You’re Miss Nancy?
>. Yes.
Drake>. (laughing)
>. Quit laughing. Being Miss Nancy is very important to me. I help people with their problems.
Drake>. You can’t help people by wearing pants?
>. You don’t understand. I need the dress. I…I can’t write good advice unless I’m wearing it.
Drake>. You want some good advice? Stop dressing like a lady.
>. If dressing like a lady helps me help others, then dress like a lady I shall.
Drake>. “Dear Miss Nancy…”
>. Hey, give me that.
Drake>. “My boyfriend doesn’t understand me. He’s never romantic. I wish he would just bring me flowers or write me poems or cook me romantic dinners. ”
>. That’s for Miss Nancy only.
Drake>. Wait a second. Purple ink? Dots her i’s with little hearts? This letter is from Tiffany Margolas. (inhales deeply)
Josh >. Quit sniffing my mail!
Drake>. Dude, Tiffany Margolas is, like, the hottest girl in school. Hey… she’s not happy with her boyfriend.
Josh >. What are you thinking? What are you thinking?!
Drake>. Poor Tiffany. So sad… so lonely… so hot. Yeah, I think I can’t help her.
Josh >. No. No, I’m not going to let you use my letters for your own selfish desires.
Drake>. Fine. Then I’ll just tell the whole world that my new stepbrother, Josh Nichols, is the real, live, Miss Nancy.
Josh >. You’re not that evil.
Drake>. People of the world, listen up! Josh Nichols is Miss… (grunts) Ahhh! My spine! My spine!
Josh >. You can’t tell people I’m Miss Nancy. You’ll ruin everything.
Drake>. Fine, then don’t stop me from helping Tiffany. Deal?
Josh >. All right.
Drake>.all right?
Josh >. All right.
Drake>. Are those real?
Josh >. Stop that.
………………………………………
(bell rings)
Drake>. Beauty, beauty… rhymes with snooty? Um… fruity. No . Beauty, beauty.
Tiffany>. What are you writing?
Drake>. Oh, nothing. Just a… poem.
Tiffany>. You write poetry?
Drake>. I know it’s dumb.
Tiffany >. No, no, I don’t… I don’t think it’s dumb at all. Is this for a class?
Drake>. No, it’s for a person.
Tiffany >. Oh.
Drake>. Well, it would be for a person if I had a person for it to be for.
Tiffany >. Oh…
Drake>. Yeah, well, I should go. I’ve got to go download a recipe off the internet.
Tiffany >. A recipe? You cook?
Drake>. When I’m not picking flowers. Listen, uh…
Tiffany >. Tiffany.
Drake>. Drake. I don’t know if you’re doing anything Friday night…
Tiffany >. I’m not.
Drake>. Really? Uh, maybe I could cook you some dinner
Tiffany >.That would be… nice.
Drake>. So it’s a date?
Tiffany >. So, it is.
Drake>. Cool.
( bell rings )
Tiffany >. See ya.
Drake>. That was too easy.
Josh>. Evil! Evil!
…………………………………
Mr. Nichols>. Drake, Josh, your dinner’s on the table.
Drake>. Okay.
Josh>. Thanks.
………………………
Josh>. No way.
Drake>. Look, what’s the whole reason you do your Miss Nancy advice column, huh?
Josh >. To help people with their problems, and[or issues.
Drake>. So, if buy Tiffany some flowers, write he a couple poems and cook her a nice, romantic dinner, that will solve her problem, won’t it?
Josh >. Wait. You know how to cook?
Drake>. Nope. But I hear you do.
Josh >. No! No. No, sir, I’m not cooking dinner for Tiffany.
Drake>. I know who Miss Nancy is! I know who Miss Nancy is!
Josh >. Okay, all right! I’ll cook the dinner. Aw, you hand licker.
Drake>. Come on, let’s eat.
(both screaming)
(both screaming)
Josh >. That’s mine, that’s mine!
(glass breaks)
Drake>. The hose!
Josh >. What hose?!
Drake>. The hose!
Josh >. What hose?!
Drake>. The window!
Both>. Ow, ow.
………………………………………
Tiffany >. Drake, this ravioli is amazing. What’s it called?
Drake>. Oh, well, you know… it’s… it’s ravioli from a… (mumbles)
Tiffany >. I never heard of it.
Drake>. Neither have I.
Tiffany >. Who’s that?
Drake>.Josh!
Josh >. Hi. Hi.
Tiffany >. I know you. You go to our school, right?
Josh >. Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Drake>.Uh, actually we’re stepbrothers, and Josh isn’t supposed to be here right now.
Josh >. I can’t stay in the kitchen forever.
Drake>. Why not?
Josh >. I have to use the little boy’s room.
Drake>. There’s a sink in the kitchen.
Tiffany >. Josh, did you try some of this ravioli that Drake made? It’s incredible.
Josh >. Oh, is it? Now tell me, Drake, how do you make it?
Drake>. You know, it’s really time for dessert. Tiffany, I’ll take your plate.
Tiffany >. You know, your stepbrother is really something.
Josh >. Yeah, he’s something.
Tiffany >. I mean, he’s so sensitive, you know? The flowers, the poetry, this awesome dinner. I mean my boyfriend never does any f this stuff.
Josh >. I know. I mean, I know what you mean.
(knocking)
Tiffany >. Who’s that?
Josh >. I don’t know.
(banging on door)
Josh >. All right, all right, I’m coming.
Tiffany >. Buck!
Buck>. So, it’s true.
Josh >. What? That I have a concussion?
Buck>. I turn my back for five minutes and you’re out on a date with…with this clown?
Josh >. Trouble… breathing.
Tiffany >. I can date whoever I want.
Buck>. Yeah? Well, you can’t date a guy with no head.
Josh>. (whimpering)
Buck>. You’re hamburger meat. You understand me?
Josh >. But I’m a vegetarian.
Buck>. Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready.
Tiffany >. That was so romantic.
Drake >. And dessert is here. Josh, u thought you had to pee.
Josh>. Done.
………………………………
Josh>. How could you get me into a fight with Buck?
Drake >. Oh, this is my fault?
Josh >. Oh, let me think. Yes. You realize he’s going to destroy me.
Drake >. He’s not going to destroy you.
Josh >. He’s huge, and stupid. That’s a bad combination.
Drake >. You’re right he’s going to kill you. Hey, can I have your computer?
Josh >. Oh. I can’t fight Buck. He’ll hurt me in so many ways. What am I going to do?
Drake >. I got it.
…………………………………
(karate yells) (speaking Japanese)
Drake >. Uh, hey, dude.
Karate Sensei>. (yells) Take a break. How can I help you?
Josh >. I need you to make me an expert in karate by tomorrow.
Karate Sensei>. (cackling) Gentlemen! To learn karate, it takes years of intense training.
Drake> yeah, but can’t you just give him the one day crash course?
Karate Sensei>. No. Karate is in here. Not in here. Sometimes in here. One time in here. But that was after I swallowed a box of thumbtacks. What? Do I have soothing in my teeth?
Josh >. No. Look, I’ve got 48 hours. You going to teach me karate or not?
Karate Sensei>. I am sorry, boys. I can do nothing for you in so little time.
Drake>. We’ll give you 30 bucks cash.
Karate Sensei>. Let the training begin. (yells)
Both>. Ahhh.
………………………………
♪I’ve been knocked down before♪Ooh♪wrestling on the floor♪Now I’m coming back for more♪Ooh♪They’re knocking on the door♪This time, I’m going to get up. I’m going to stick it out. This time I’m going to get up for it. I’m gonna run, gonna run, gonna run it out.♪You know I’ve been knocked down before♪Ooh♪wrestling on the floor♪And I’m coming back for more♪Ooh♪Yeah, I’m knocking on the door♪This time, I’m going to get up for it.
I’m going to stick it out. This time, I’m going to get up for it…♪
>. Yeah, what’s up? Who’s the little girl now? I did it. Thanks, Drake.
Drake>. I’m not comfortable with the hugging.
>. Sorry.
Drake>. So you think he’s ready?
Karate Sensei>. As ready as 30 bucks will get him.
>. All right.
Karate Sensei>. So, you boys like chicken tenders?
………………………………
(bell rings)
Drake>. How you feel?
>. Good, strong. (karate yell)
Drake>. Don’t get overconfident. This guy is big, tough and stupid. So remember the plan.
>. Right. Go over it again?
Drake>. You jab, you kick, and you stay away from him. Make him keep coming after you. eventually he’ll get tired and then you’ll…
>. (karate yell)
Drake>. That’s my boy. You ready?
>. You bet.
Drake>. Good. Here comes Buck.
Buck>. I hope you have an ambulance standing by.
>. Yeah, I do. For you.
(crowd hooting )
Buck>. Talk’s cheap. (or Quadlers)
A student>. 40 Quatloos on the newcomer.
Drake>. Remember the plan.
>. Right. I jab, o punch and stay away from him until he gets tired. And then he’s my little girl. ( karate yell)
Drake>. Do it.
Buck>. You ready?
>. Oh, yeah, baby. Come on, let’s do this. Let’s go…
Buck>. Come on, Tiff. Let’s go get some sorbet.
Tiffany >. Oh, Buck.
………………………………………
>. Where is it?! Where’d you put it?!
Drake>. I thought you weren’t ever talking to me again.
>. I have to write my Miss Nancy column. Now where is my dress?
Drake>. I hid it.
>. That’s it. You are the worst stepbrother ever.
Drake>. Ooh. Harsh. I’m going to go make myself a sandwich.
>. You give me my dress. Or I will unleash $30 worth of karate on you.
Drake>. No.
>. Man!
Drake>. Look, I’m trying to do something nice for you. You said yourself, you hated dressing up like a woman.
>. So?
Drake>. So you don’t need the dress to give good advice.
>. I told you, I do.
Drake>. You don’t.
>. Give me my dress!
Drake>. No.
>. Give it!
Drake>. No.
>. Drake
Drake>. Question. If somebody told you that they had to wear a dress to give good advice, what would you say?
>. I don’t know.
Drake>. What would you say?
>. Drake, I…
Drake>. What would you say?
>. I’d say that’s ridiculous! I’d say good advice comes from the heart and from what’s inside you, not the clothes you wear.
Drake>. That’s stupid.
>. It’s not stupid.
Drake>. Yeah, it is. That’s stupid advice.
>. It’s good advice.
Drake>. I’m sorry, what’s you say?
>. I said it’s good advice.
Drake>. Well, guess what, Josh? Look like you just gave some good advice. And I don’t see you wearing ant dress.
>. Holy… You’re right.
Drake>. I know.
>. I gave good advice while wearing pants.
Drake>. Praise be the pants.
>. I never have to dress like a freakish man-lady again. Ah, Drake! Sorry! I forgot you’re not comfortable with the hugging.
Drake>. Thanks. Look, man, I… I’m sorry I got you into this whole thing with Buck and the black eye and…
>. It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to. And listen, um… Sorry that I said you were a bad stepbrother. I didn’t mean that. We sill friends?
Drake>. Friends? No way, man. We’re brothers.
>. May I ?
Drake>. Hug me, brother.
……………………………
Buck>. I can’t believe you went on a date with a wimp like that.
Tiffany >. Oh, I wasn’t on a date with him. I was on a date with him.
Drake>. Oh, Buck. Buck, Buck, it was nothing. It was…it was…
(bell rings)
>. Is he tired yet?
……………………………
NICK *(Dad: Walter ,Mom: Andrey)
[playing mellow tune]
Drake>. My name’s Drake Parker.
Josh>. I’m Josh Nichols.
Drake>. I should probably be doing my homework.
Josh >. I’m just doing my homework here.
Drake>. But it’s more fun to do this. [playing guitar riff]
Drake& Josh>. Man, I’m thirsty.
Drake>. Ah.
Josh >. Ah.
Drake>. I live here with my mom and my little sister, Megan.
Josh >. I’ve got a great family, even though it’s just me and my dad. I love that guy.
Drake>. I love girls. So my mom[s been dating this guy.
Josh >. So my dad’s been dating this woman. She’s really great.
Drake>. He’s okay, but he’s got this kid that goes to my school.
Josh >. She has a son that goes to my school. Drake.
Drake>. Josh. It’s not that I have anything against Josh.
Josh >. I really don’t know Drake all that well.
Drake& Josh>. But he seems kind of …
Josh >. Okay.
Drake>. …unusual.
…………………………………………
[quiet moaning]
Drake>. Ugh.
[moaning continues] [blows whistle loudly]
Mom>. Drake!
Drake>. Hey, Mom. Mr. Nichols.
Josh >. What happened? I heard screaming!
Mr. Nichols>. It’s all right, son. There’s nothing to mop here.
Drake>. Josh, w-what are you doing here? What’s he doing here?
Josh >. Tell him.
Mom>. Wait. Uh, Drake, quick, get your sister.
Drake>. Megan!
Megan>. Oh, are they done sucking face yet?
Mom>. Kids, Josh’s Dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news.
Drake>. You got me a dirt bike?
Mom>. No.
Both>. We’re getting married.
Drake>. Oh… uh…you’re getting mmm… ma…
Dad>. Yeah. We’re going to be one big old happy family.
Drake>. Wait, wait. You mean he’s going to be my-my stepfather?
Dad>. [chuckling]
Drake>. And you! You’re going to be my… he’s going to be my…
Josh >. Hug me, brother!
Drake>. [screaming]
………………………………………
♪I never though that it’d be so simple but ♪I fond a way, I found a way♪If you open up your mind, to see what’s inside♪It’s gonna take some time to realize ♪but if you look inside, I’m sure you’ll find♪over your shoulder you know that I told you I’ll always be picking you up when you’re down♪So just turn around♪Ooh- ooh-ooh- ooh♪
………………………………………
[knocking on door]
Mom>. Drake? Josh is downstairs.
Drake>. Oh, really? ‘cause I was just writing a song about him. It’s called, “I’m not sharing my room with Josh”
Mom>. Look, I know this is going to be a big adjustment. But I need you to give this a chance.
Drake>. But Mom, he’s goofy. He’s clammy.
>. Hiya, Drake.
Drake>. He’s here.
>. I brought you some licorice, the red kind. I know some people like he black kind, but I thought I’d play it safe and…
Drake>. Mom, don’t do this to me.
>. I should have got the black kind, right?
Mom>. Have a good time, boys.
>. Wow, cool room. Ah, and check out the bed!
Drake>. Wait,wait, no, no, no, no, no, No. no no… oh!
>. Dude, these sheets match my jimmies. So where you gonna sleep?
Drake>. There! I sleep there. You sleep on the couch.
>. The couch? Yeah, I don’t know. I have lumber problems.
Drake>. And how much junk did you bring? Eww, who reads the school newspaper?
>. I do. It’s good.
Drake>. It’s stupid. Ooh, look, a poem by Janitor Jones. “The toilet, Don’t Soil It.”
>. That’s clever.
Drake>. Right. Oh, and here’s the worst. Miss Nancy’s advice column. What a load.
>. A load of good. I think Miss Nancy gives great advice.
Drake>. Whatever, man. I’m going to go play some hoops.
>. Uh, Drake, when will you be back?
Drake>. I don’t know. A few hours?
>. Good. I mean, have fun with the hoops and whatnot.
………………………………………
Dad>. Now it’s my turn to kiss you.
Mom>. Now it’s my turn to kiss you.
Drake>. Now it’s my turn to throw up.
Mom>. Don’t you have something to do?
Drake>. Yeah, I’m going to go play some ball.
Mom>. Did you ask your brother if he wants to play?
Drake>. You know, mom, I don’t really think Josh is the basketball type.
Dad>. Sure he is. Yeah, I taught him myself. Here, toss me the rock. Think fast.
Drake>. Lamps don’t think that fast.
Mom>. Just go ask Josh to play.
………………………………………
Drake>. Hey, Josh, you don’t want to go play any basket… ball!
Both>.[screaming]
Drake>. Oh, my god!
>. I can explain!
Drake>. Oh, my god!
>. I can explain!
Drake>. Mom! Josh is dressed like a freak!
>. I can explain!
Drake>. Why are you dressed like queen Latifah?
>. Because I… I… oh, I can’t tell you.
Drake>. Mom, Josh is dressed like… !
>. Shh! All right! I’ll tell you, but you’ve got to swear to keep it a secret.
Drake>. Fine, I swear. Now talk.
>. All right. I’m, uh… I’m… Miss… (mumbles)
Drake>. What?
>. I’m Miss Nancy, okay? I am Miss Nancy.
Drake>. Wait. From the advice column? Fr…from the school newspaper? You’re Miss Nancy?
>. Yes.
Drake>. (laughing)
>. Quit laughing. Being Miss Nancy is very important to me. I help people with their problems.
Drake>. You can’t help people by wearing pants?
>. You don’t understand. I need the dress. I…I can’t write good advice unless I’m wearing it.
Drake>. You want some good advice? Stop dressing like a lady.
>. If dressing like a lady helps me help others, then dress like a lady I shall.
Drake>. “Dear Miss Nancy…”
>. Hey, give me that.
Drake>. “My boyfriend doesn’t understand me. He’s never romantic. I wish he would just bring me flowers or write me poems or cook me romantic dinners. ”
>. That’s for Miss Nancy only.
Drake>. Wait a second. Purple ink? Dots her i’s with little hearts? This letter is from Tiffany Margolas. (inhales deeply)
Josh >. Quit sniffing my mail!
Drake>. Dude, Tiffany Margolas is, like, the hottest girl in school. Hey… she’s not happy with her boyfriend.
Josh >. What are you thinking? What are you thinking?!
Drake>. Poor Tiffany. So sad… so lonely… so hot. Yeah, I think I can’t help her.
Josh >. No. No, I’m not going to let you use my letters for your own selfish desires.
Drake>. Fine. Then I’ll just tell the whole world that my new stepbrother, Josh Nichols, is the real, live, Miss Nancy.
Josh >. You’re not that evil.
Drake>. People of the world, listen up! Josh Nichols is Miss… (grunts) Ahhh! My spine! My spine!
Josh >. You can’t tell people I’m Miss Nancy. You’ll ruin everything.
Drake>. Fine, then don’t stop me from helping Tiffany. Deal?
Josh >. All right.
Drake>.all right?
Josh >. All right.
Drake>. Are those real?
Josh >. Stop that.
………………………………………
(bell rings)
Drake>. Beauty, beauty… rhymes with snooty? Um… fruity. No . Beauty, beauty.
Tiffany>. What are you writing?
Drake>. Oh, nothing. Just a… poem.
Tiffany>. You write poetry?
Drake>. I know it’s dumb.
Tiffany >. No, no, I don’t… I don’t think it’s dumb at all. Is this for a class?
Drake>. No, it’s for a person.
Tiffany >. Oh.
Drake>. Well, it would be for a person if I had a person for it to be for.
Tiffany >. Oh…
Drake>. Yeah, well, I should go. I’ve got to go download a recipe off the internet.
Tiffany >. A recipe? You cook?
Drake>. When I’m not picking flowers. Listen, uh…
Tiffany >. Tiffany.
Drake>. Drake. I don’t know if you’re doing anything Friday night…
Tiffany >. I’m not.
Drake>. Really? Uh, maybe I could cook you some dinner
Tiffany >.That would be… nice.
Drake>. So it’s a date?
Tiffany >. So, it is.
Drake>. Cool.
( bell rings )
Tiffany >. See ya.
Drake>. That was too easy.
Josh>. Evil! Evil!
…………………………………
Mr. Nichols>. Drake, Josh, your dinner’s on the table.
Drake>. Okay.
Josh>. Thanks.
………………………
Josh>. No way.
Drake>. Look, what’s the whole reason you do your Miss Nancy advice column, huh?
Josh >. To help people with their problems, and[or issues.
Drake>. So, if buy Tiffany some flowers, write he a couple poems and cook her a nice, romantic dinner, that will solve her problem, won’t it?
Josh >. Wait. You know how to cook?
Drake>. Nope. But I hear you do.
Josh >. No! No. No, sir, I’m not cooking dinner for Tiffany.
Drake>. I know who Miss Nancy is! I know who Miss Nancy is!
Josh >. Okay, all right! I’ll cook the dinner. Aw, you hand licker.
Drake>. Come on, let’s eat.
(both screaming)
(both screaming)
Josh >. That’s mine, that’s mine!
(glass breaks)
Drake>. The hose!
Josh >. What hose?!
Drake>. The hose!
Josh >. What hose?!
Drake>. The window!
Both>. Ow, ow.
………………………………………
Tiffany >. Drake, this ravioli is amazing. What’s it called?
Drake>. Oh, well, you know… it’s… it’s ravioli from a… (mumbles)
Tiffany >. I never heard of it.
Drake>. Neither have I.
Tiffany >. Who’s that?
Drake>.Josh!
Josh >. Hi. Hi.
Tiffany >. I know you. You go to our school, right?
Josh >. Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Drake>.Uh, actually we’re stepbrothers, and Josh isn’t supposed to be here right now.
Josh >. I can’t stay in the kitchen forever.
Drake>. Why not?
Josh >. I have to use the little boy’s room.
Drake>. There’s a sink in the kitchen.
Tiffany >. Josh, did you try some of this ravioli that Drake made? It’s incredible.
Josh >. Oh, is it? Now tell me, Drake, how do you make it?
Drake>. You know, it’s really time for dessert. Tiffany, I’ll take your plate.
Tiffany >. You know, your stepbrother is really something.
Josh >. Yeah, he’s something.
Tiffany >. I mean, he’s so sensitive, you know? The flowers, the poetry, this awesome dinner. I mean my boyfriend never does any f this stuff.
Josh >. I know. I mean, I know what you mean.
(knocking)
Tiffany >. Who’s that?
Josh >. I don’t know.
(banging on door)
Josh >. All right, all right, I’m coming.
Tiffany >. Buck!
Buck>. So, it’s true.
Josh >. What? That I have a concussion?
Buck>. I turn my back for five minutes and you’re out on a date with…with this clown?
Josh >. Trouble… breathing.
Tiffany >. I can date whoever I want.
Buck>. Yeah? Well, you can’t date a guy with no head.
Josh>. (whimpering)
Buck>. You’re hamburger meat. You understand me?
Josh >. But I’m a vegetarian.
Buck>. Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready.
Tiffany >. That was so romantic.
Drake >. And dessert is here. Josh, u thought you had to pee.
Josh>. Done.
………………………………
Josh>. How could you get me into a fight with Buck?
Drake >. Oh, this is my fault?
Josh >. Oh, let me think. Yes. You realize he’s going to destroy me.
Drake >. He’s not going to destroy you.
Josh >. He’s huge, and stupid. That’s a bad combination.
Drake >. You’re right he’s going to kill you. Hey, can I have your computer?
Josh >. Oh. I can’t fight Buck. He’ll hurt me in so many ways. What am I going to do?
Drake >. I got it.
…………………………………
(karate yells) (speaking Japanese)
Drake >. Uh, hey, dude.
Karate Sensei>. (yells) Take a break. How can I help you?
Josh >. I need you to make me an expert in karate by tomorrow.
Karate Sensei>. (cackling) Gentlemen! To learn karate, it takes years of intense training.
Drake> yeah, but can’t you just give him the one day crash course?
Karate Sensei>. No. Karate is in here. Not in here. Sometimes in here. One time in here. But that was after I swallowed a box of thumbtacks. What? Do I have soothing in my teeth?
Josh >. No. Look, I’ve got 48 hours. You going to teach me karate or not?
Karate Sensei>. I am sorry, boys. I can do nothing for you in so little time.
Drake>. We’ll give you 30 bucks cash.
Karate Sensei>. Let the training begin. (yells)
Both>. Ahhh.
………………………………
♪I’ve been knocked down before♪Ooh♪wrestling on the floor♪Now I’m coming back for more♪Ooh♪They’re knocking on the door♪This time, I’m going to get up. I’m going to stick it out. This time I’m going to get up for it. I’m gonna run, gonna run, gonna run it out.♪You know I’ve been knocked down before♪Ooh♪wrestling on the floor♪And I’m coming back for more♪Ooh♪Yeah, I’m knocking on the door♪This time, I’m going to get up for it.
I’m going to stick it out. This time, I’m going to get up for it…♪
>. Yeah, what’s up? Who’s the little girl now? I did it. Thanks, Drake.
Drake>. I’m not comfortable with the hugging.
>. Sorry.
Drake>. So you think he’s ready?
Karate Sensei>. As ready as 30 bucks will get him.
>. All right.
Karate Sensei>. So, you boys like chicken tenders?
………………………………
(bell rings)
Drake>. How you feel?
>. Good, strong. (karate yell)
Drake>. Don’t get overconfident. This guy is big, tough and stupid. So remember the plan.
>. Right. Go over it again?
Drake>. You jab, you kick, and you stay away from him. Make him keep coming after you. eventually he’ll get tired and then you’ll…
>. (karate yell)
Drake>. That’s my boy. You ready?
>. You bet.
Drake>. Good. Here comes Buck.
Buck>. I hope you have an ambulance standing by.
>. Yeah, I do. For you.
(crowd hooting )
Buck>. Talk’s cheap. (or Quadlers)
A student>. 40 Quatloos on the newcomer.
Drake>. Remember the plan.
>. Right. I jab, o punch and stay away from him until he gets tired. And then he’s my little girl. ( karate yell)
Drake>. Do it.
Buck>. You ready?
>. Oh, yeah, baby. Come on, let’s do this. Let’s go…
Buck>. Come on, Tiff. Let’s go get some sorbet.
Tiffany >. Oh, Buck.
………………………………………
>. Where is it?! Where’d you put it?!
Drake>. I thought you weren’t ever talking to me again.
>. I have to write my Miss Nancy column. Now where is my dress?
Drake>. I hid it.
>. That’s it. You are the worst stepbrother ever.
Drake>. Ooh. Harsh. I’m going to go make myself a sandwich.
>. You give me my dress. Or I will unleash $30 worth of karate on you.
Drake>. No.
>. Man!
Drake>. Look, I’m trying to do something nice for you. You said yourself, you hated dressing up like a woman.
>. So?
Drake>. So you don’t need the dress to give good advice.
>. I told you, I do.
Drake>. You don’t.
>. Give me my dress!
Drake>. No.
>. Give it!
Drake>. No.
>. Drake
Drake>. Question. If somebody told you that they had to wear a dress to give good advice, what would you say?
>. I don’t know.
Drake>. What would you say?
>. Drake, I…
Drake>. What would you say?
>. I’d say that’s ridiculous! I’d say good advice comes from the heart and from what’s inside you, not the clothes you wear.
Drake>. That’s stupid.
>. It’s not stupid.
Drake>. Yeah, it is. That’s stupid advice.
>. It’s good advice.
Drake>. I’m sorry, what’s you say?
>. I said it’s good advice.
Drake>. Well, guess what, Josh? Look like you just gave some good advice. And I don’t see you wearing ant dress.
>. Holy… You’re right.
Drake>. I know.
>. I gave good advice while wearing pants.
Drake>. Praise be the pants.
>. I never have to dress like a freakish man-lady again. Ah, Drake! Sorry! I forgot you’re not comfortable with the hugging.
Drake>. Thanks. Look, man, I… I’m sorry I got you into this whole thing with Buck and the black eye and…
>. It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to. And listen, um… Sorry that I said you were a bad stepbrother. I didn’t mean that. We sill friends?
Drake>. Friends? No way, man. We’re brothers.
>. May I ?
Drake>. Hug me, brother.
……………………………
Buck>. I can’t believe you went on a date with a wimp like that.
Tiffany >. Oh, I wasn’t on a date with him. I was on a date with him.
Drake>. Oh, Buck. Buck, Buck, it was nothing. It was…it was…
(bell rings)
>. Is he tired yet?
……………………………
[Drake and Josh] Episode 18 "The Gary Grill"
Episode 18 "The Gary Grill"
NICK
Drake>>You know, they said the best things in the life is free.
Josh>>A lot of people tell you money isn’t important.
Both>>They’re lying.
Drake>>OK, there maybe things that are more important than money.
Josh >>Money isn’t everything.
Drake>>But without money… Hey. Whoa. What’s happening with my box? It’s getting way too small.
Josh >>Ok, why am I in a triangle? Hello?
Drake>>Can we increase the size of my box, please?
Josh >>Can I go back to a square or a rectangle?
Drake>>Ok, now I’m am too big.
Josh >>I’m upside down here.
Drake>>A little smaller?
Josh >>Blood rushing to my head.
Drake>>What is going on?
Josh >>I think we’re having a technical glitch.
Megan>>What’s up, brothers?
Drake>>Megan, get off the screen.
Josh >>Hey, she’s got the video effects box.
Drake>>That’s figures.
Megan>>Let’s see what this thing can do.
Drake& Josh>>No! Megan! Do not touch! (speaking indistinctly)
Megan>>How cool is this thing?
Josh
>>All right, Megan, you’re in big trouble.
Drake>>Yeah, wait until we tell mom what you d(id it)…
Megan>>It’s good being me.
……………………………………………………
Josh >. Hi. Can I help you?
A customer >. Uh, yeah. Could I just get a…
Drake>. Josh, check his out.
Josh>. Drake, I’m with a customer.
Drake>. So? This is important.
Josh>. Excuse me. What?
Drake>. Look. [kissing] The Gummi Bears are making out. Dude, you slapped my bears.
Josh>. And you made my customer leave.
Drake>. Who cares?
Josh>. I do. Hellman’s been all over my butt to sell more snacks.
Drake>. Uh, you know, you really shouldn’t use the words “butt” and “snacks” in the same sentence.
Josh>. Headaches.
Drake>. All right. You want to sell some more snacks? Here. I’ll help you with this lady.
Josh>. What do you mean…
Drake>. Shh.
A lady>. Hello. How small is your smallest popcorn?
Josh>. Uh…
A lady>. No, no. that’s huge. I could never digest that much corn.
Drake>. But haven’t you read the medical report that says popcorn is good for senior citizens?
Josh>. Oh, yeah! The medical report that said popcorn helps the elderly… not die!
Drake>. Right.
A lady>. Well, I do enjoy living. One large popcorn, please.
Josh>. Yes, ma’am.
Drake>. And you want a soda, right?
A lady>. Oh, no, no, no. I don’t believe in liquids.
Drake>. But, ma’am, you’re going to have to drink something, or else, uh, you know…
Josh>. Well, the popcorn might clog your… farfoligus valve.
Drake>. Ooh, yeah. Farfoligus valve. You don’ want that clogged.
A lady>. You know, I think that’s how Henry went. Very well. I sill take your largest cup of pop.
Josh>. Excellent.
A lady>. Oh, no. Thank you for the gift of life .
A salesman>. Hey. You guys are pretty good salesmen.
Drake>. Thanks.
Josh>. We try.
Buddy>. My name’s Buddy. This is Guy.
Drake>. What’s going on?
Josh>. What’s up?
Buddy>. How’d you guys like to use those sales skills to make a little extra cash?
Drake>. Uh, what do you mean?
Guy>. Show ‘em, Buddy.
Buddy>. Ahh.
Josh>. A grill? It’s kind of small.
Guy>. It’s a Gary Coleman Grill.
Buddy>. Cooks one hamburger at a time.
Guy>. Or a pork chop.
Buddy>. Or a steak.
Guy>. Any meat, really. It’s perfect for a bachelor.
Buddy>. Bachelorette.
Guy>. Anyone who likes to cook.
Buddy>. Or eat.
Guy>. Or listen to music.
Drake>. What?
Josh>. Huh?
Buddy>. It also has a built-in MP3 player.
Guy>. So you can cook some meat and listen to some tunes.
Drake>. Wait. So they combined a grill with an MP3 player?
Josh>. Finally! I’ll take 2.
Buddy>. Oh, no, no, no. we’re not trying to sell you one. We want you guys to sell them. Each one is $39.95. for every one you sell, you keep 20%.
Guy>. Interested?
[stammering]
Drake>. Perhaps, but let me discuss it with my associate. Back in a second.
Josh>. What do you think?
Drake>. Well, let’s see. Each grill is about 40 bucks, right? We keep 20% of every one we sell. Makes… $800 a grill.
Josh>. Move your decimal.
Drake>. Oh, right, right. $8,000 a grill!
Josh>. Oh, $8.00 a grill! But ..but still, if we sold, like, 100 grills a week…
Drake>. We’d make a fortune, right?
Josh>. Yeah, we would!
Drake>. Awesome.
Guy>. Well ?
Josh>. Ok.
Drake>. We’re in.
Guy>. All right. Cool. Why don’t you meet us in the parking lot in about 15 minutes?
Buddy>. We’ll start you guys off with 100 grills.
Josh>. Awesome.
Drake>. All right.
A lady>. Excuse me. Excuse me. That medical report that you boys mentioned. Did it say anything about nachos?
……………………………………………
♪I never though that it’d be so simple but ♪I fond a way, I found a way♪If you open up your mind, to see what’s inside♪It’s gonna take some time to realize ♪but if you look inside, I’m sure you’ll find♪over your shoulder you know that I told you I’ll always be picking you up when you’re down♪So just turn around♪Ooh- ooh-ooh- ooh♪
………………………………………………
Josh>. ‘sup, mama? What you doing?
Mama>. Um, making dinner.
Josh>. Wow, you know, cooking sure requires lots of pots and pans and hard work. If only there was an easier way.
Drake>. What if I told you there was an easier way?
Josh>. Why, I’d say that’s crazy.
Drake>. Crazy like this grill?
Josh>. Whaaat?
Drake>. The Gary Coleman Grill.
Mama>. All right, what is that thing?
Drake>. What isn’t this thing? It cooks steaks, burgers, chops, chicken.
Josh>. Oh, so it just cooks things.
Drake>. No, It’s also… an MP3 player!
Josh>. Whoa! How much does it cost? A billion dollars?
Drake>. Nope, it’s only $39.95.
Josh>. [gasps] Impossible!
Mama>. Hey, if I buy one, will you two stop talking in those annoying voices?
Drake&Josh>. Deal.
Josh>. Hey, why don’t you buy 6?
Mama>. Because I’m not an idiot? Honey, look. I bought a Gary Coleman Grill.
Dad>. Great. Now we’ve got 7 of them.
………………………………………………
[school bell rings]
Drake>. There you are.
Josh>. For the last time, the answer is no.
Drake>. Then you’re not my brother anymore.
A classmate, Randy >. Drake, what[s the problem?
Drake>. Stay out pf this, Randy. Sell me a grill.
Josh>. Why should I ?
Drake>. Because it’s not fair. You got $100 Gary Coleman Grills / MP3 players. And I didn’t even get one Gary Coleman Grill / MP3 player.
Josh>. Why do you want one so bad?
Drake>. Because I want to be able grill meats and play music at the same time, and that’s the only machine that does it.
Josh>. So why don’t you go out and buy one?
Drake>. You know I can’t. They’re not available in America yet.
Josh>. Yeah, that’s why I bought 100 from my friend in Japan.
Drake>. So sell me one.
Josh>. But if I sell you one, then I have to sell everybody one.
Randy >. Yeah, man. You sell Drake one, I want one.
All>. I want one.
J>. OK, fine. I give up. I guess I’ll just have to sell everyone a Gary Coleman Grill / MP3 player. Put our money in the sack and grab yourself a grill.
[indistinct chatter]
D>. That’s right. Buy the grills.
……………………………………………..
D>. How much we got left?
J>. Ah, let’s see. After all stuff we bought, we still got… a little over 1,000 bucks left.
D>. Man, I cannot believe I can afford to buy clothes like this.
J>. Well, I can’t believe we can afford our own fooshockey table.
D>. I know.
J>. Let’s play.
D>. OK.
[buzzer]
D>. Man, do you realize, if we keep selling these grills like this, we’re going to be set for life?
D>. Financial security!
Megan >. All right. You guys bought all this stuff selling those stupid grills?
D>. Yep.
J>. Jealous much?
Megan>. Yeah. I want in.
D>. What?
Megan>. I want to sell some grills. Give me some grilles.
D>. No way.
J>. Stick to your lemonade stands, little girl.
Megan>. OK. Fine. But just remember, I’m younger than you. One day, you’ll both be old and sick. That’s when you’ll need me. But I’ll be in Europe, laughing it up at the two of you lying in bed gagging on your own saliva.
J>. Well, that was cheerful.
D>. Forget her. Soda me.
J>. Oh, with our new remote control soda shooter.
D>. Do it.
J>. Hey, look. We only got about 15 grills left.
D>. Oh, no prob. Buddy and guy are dropping off 100 more tonight.
[knocking on door]
D>. Oh, that must be our 4:00 massages.
J>. Wonder which one’s mine?
…………………………………….
[indistinct shouting]
J>. Here you go. Enjoy. Thank you.
D>. All right. OK. Everyone is going to have to disperse.
[crowd groans]
J>. Sorry, sorry. We just need to take a little inventory and count our money.
D>. But don’t worry. Come back in 30 minutes and we’ll be ready to sell more Gary Grills.
J>. Oh, you are the best brother.
D>. Oh, I’m thinking you are.
J>. Oh, I think you are.
D>.You trying to start a fight?
J>. Yeah. A money fight. Ha ha ha ha .
Police man>. Hey, excuse us. We don’t mean to interrupt your money fight, cut a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman Grills.
J>. Your friend is right.
D>. So how many you want?
Police man>. Well, tell you what. We’ll take them all.
D>. Wait, you want all of them?
Police man>. That’s right.
J>. Sorry, we only accept cash.
Police man>. These are badges.
D>. Dude, cash only.
Police man>. I don’t think you understand. Drake Parker? Josh Nichols?
J>. Yes?
D>. Yeah.
Police man>. You’re under arrest. Possession and sale of stolen property.
D>. Stolen? The grilles?
Police man>. That’s right.
J>. We were just selling them for these two guys.
D>. Yeah, we didn’t know they were stolen.
Police man>. Right.
Another police man>. Sure. Come with us, please.
J>. Drake.
D>. Yeah?
J>. I’ve read about prison.
D>. And?
J>. It ain’t fun!
…………………………………..
J>. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You can’t lock me in here. I’m on the honor roll! Drake, do something.
D>. Yeah, what do you want me to do?
J>. Tell them we didn’t steal those grills.
D>. I did. They don’t believe us.
J>. Well, I don’t belong in prison. Prison is for such and lowlifes. Expect for you guys. I’m sure you’re all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and… let me out of here! I have a piano lesson!
D>. Don’t freak out, all right? We’ll figure a way out of this, but until then, just be cool, OK? These kids are tough.
J>. Right. Hiya. So, where do you go to school?
>. You know what color your guts are?
J>. No.
>. I do.
J>. Oh. is your father a surgeon?
D>. He’s not a good friend.
>. Hey. Give me your shoes.
J>. I’m not giving you my shoes. Drake.
D>. Give him your shoes.
J>. No. these have special arch supports.
Police man>. Parker. Nichols. I need to talk to you.
J>. Oh, thank you, thank you! [laughs] Try and hurt me now. Ohh! Oh! oh! He hurt me with my own underwear.
…………………………………
Police man>. Well, looks like you two boys are in some serious trouble.
D>. No, we didn’t do anything.
Police man>. Well, then, how come your partner’s sweating so much?
J>. It’s hereditary. I come from a family of moist men.
D>. Look, I told you. we’re innocent.
Police man>. Look, all I know is, last month, a truckload of Gary Coleman Grills were stolen out of Whippany, New Jersey.
Another police man>. Eyewitness say the thieves were two clean-cut Caucasian males.
D>. there you go. We’re not Caucasian. We’re white guys.
J>. [inaudible]
D>. Go ahead.
Police man>.we know you two stole the grills.
Another police man>. Why don’t you just admit it?
D>. Look, I told you. we were at the premiere, and two guys came up to us and offered us jobs selling grills.
Another police man>. OK. What were the names of these 2 guys?
J>. Um, well, one of their names was, uh… guy.
Another police man>. Right. Guy. And what was his buddy’s name?
D>. Buddy.
Police man>. I see, and did they have a third partner named Pal?
Another police man>. What about Dude, huh? Was Dude in on it with them?
J>. Hey, I think you’re mocking us.
Another police man>. I just want to know one thing. Why combine a personal grill with an MP3 player?
Police man>. Now that is bizarre.
J>. We don’t know.
D>. We didn’t make them.
Another police man>. No, you just stole them.
J.>. Right. Oh…
D>. Josh!
Another police man>. He just confessed.
J>. I did not!
Police man>. Well, then, you lied to him!
J>. Yes!
D>. Look, Josh…
Another police man>. How many songs does it hold?
Police man>. Tell us!
J>. Oh, leave me alone! I’m confused and sweaty.
…………………………
Another police man>. OK. You guys get one phone call each.
D>. I only get 2 chances to dial this phone.
J>. Yeah. We better call mom and dad.
D>. Right.
[telephone ringing on other end]
Megan>. Wait, hang on, Denise. I got another call on the other line.
[beep]
Megan>. Hello?
D>. Megan. Listen, it’s Drake. Me and Josh are in jail.
Megan>. Yeah, right.
D>. Wait, no! listen, Megan, this isn’t a joke…
[dial tone]
J>. What?
D>. she hung up on me!
J>. Oh, give me the phone.
[telephone ringing on other end]
Megan>. Wait, hang on, Denise. Got another call.
[beep]
Megan>. Hello?
J>. Megan, it’s Josh. Where’s mom and dad?
Megan>. Look, I’m on the other line with Denise.
J>. Megan, it’s important.
Megan>. Hang on. Let me get off my other call.
[beep]
Megan>. Denise, I got to go. My big boob of a brother is on the other line.
J>. Still me!
Megan>. Josh, what’s your problem? Denise and I are trying to talk about ponies.
J>. Megan, listen to me. Drake and I are in jail. I swear.
Megan>. Wait. You’re seriously in jail?
J>. yes. Those Gary Grills were stolen. Now, listen to me. We’re supposed to meet the grill guys at the premiere in an hour. So tell mom and dad…
Megan>. Wait.
J>. What?
Megan>. Do ponies lay eggs?
J>. Megan! This is important. Now would you stop playing around and just give me the…Megan? Megan. All yours.
……………………………………
A bad guy>. Man, where’s Drake and Josh?
Another bad guy>. I don’t know. You told them 5, right? They’re supposed to be here at 5.
Megan>. Hello.
A bad guy>. Hi.
Another bad guy>. Hi. What’s up?
Megan>. You waiting for Drake and Josh?
A bad guy>. Maybe.
Another bad guy>. And who are you?
Megan>. Their sister.
A bad guy>. And how can we help you?
Megan>. I want to sell grills.
[both laugh]
A bad guy>. What are you talking about?
Megan>. Look, let’s not play around. I can sell stuff way better than Drake and Josh can. That means I can make you guys more money than them.
A bad guy>. [scoffs] I doubt it.
Megan>. Do you? Excuse me, ma’am.
A lady>. Yes?
Megan>. I don’t mean to bother you, but if I don’t sell these grills, my daddy makes me sleep in the backyard. Will you please buy one? I miss my bed.
A lady>. Oh, of course. How much are they?
Megan>. $39.95 each, or 2 for $100.
A lady>. I’ll take both. Here’s $100.
Megan>. Thank you. Well?
Another bad guy>. OK. Ha. You’re good.
Megan>. I know. So you drop off the grills at my house, I sell them, and we split the profits 50-50.
A bad guy>. 50-50? You’re out of your mind.
Another bad guy>. Yeah. We were only paying your brothers 20%.
Megan>. Look, I know the grills are stolen.
Another bad guy>. Shh.
A bad guy>. Why would you say that?
Megan>. Because I’m not stupid, and I want 50%.
A bad guy>. You’re not getting half.
Another bad guy>. Yeah. We stole the grills, we took the risk.
Megan>. Oh. OK. That’s all I needed to hear. Gentlemen? Buddy, Guy, meet the FBI. FBI, meet Buddy and Guy.
Another bad guy>. You set us up!
Megan>. Yeah, I did.
A bad guy>. She’s a wearing a wire.
Megan>. Yeah, I was.
Mom>. You did it, sweetie.
Dad>. Good going, Megan.
Police man>. Come with us. Turn around. Hands behind your back.
Another police man>. Let’s go, Buddy.
A bad guy>. Actually, I’m guy.
Another bad guy>. Guy?
Guy>. Yeah?
Another bad guy>. I’ve read about prison.
Guy>. And?
Another bad guy>. It ain’t fun.
A lady>. Excuse me, are you this little girl’s father?
Dad>. Yes, I am.
A lady>. How dare you make her sleep in the yard!
………………………………..
J>.[harmonica playing]
>. Sorry.
J>. Happens.
D>. Mom!
J>. Dad?
Police man>. Parker, Nichols, free to go.
J>. We’re getting out?
D>. How come?
Mom>. Because your sister worked with the FBI and helped them set up a sting.
Dad>. Which helped them find the guys who really stole the grills.
D>. Megan?
J>. You helped us?
Megan>. Don’t get used to it.
Dad>. So, are Drake and Josh free to go?
Police man>. Almost. There is somebody who does want to say one thing to them. Mr. Coleman.
J>. Whoa. You’re Gary Coleman.
Gary>. I know who I am.
D>. What are you doing here?
Mom>. I’m sure he’s here to thank you for finding his stolen grills.
Gary>. Actually, no, that’s not why I’m here.
J>. Why?
Gary>. You sold all my grills, so I’m here to collect the money.
D>. Uh, we kind of spent it.
J>. Yeah. We’re really sorry.
Gary>. [laughs] You know, I know you didn’t spend all my money, because if you did, I’d be really upset.
D>. Oh. Your money! Yeah.
J>. Yeah!
Gary>. The money.
J>. We have your money.
Gary>. Where’s my money?
D>. Uh, we left it in this cell right here.
J>. Yeah, right…right under the bench.
Gary>. You left it in the cell? Guys, it took years to develop that grill…
J>. See you at home?
D>. Right behind you.
Gary>. Drake? Josh? You better come back here. Agent?
>. Hey. Give me your shoes.
Gary>. Back off!
>. Sorry.
………………………………….
Gary>. I want the two mermaid tables and I want the vibrating chair. I want the rocket bubble gum machine. I want the lava lamp.
>. Soda machine?
Gary>. Yes, the soda machine.
D>. He forgot the hockey table.
Gary>. I want the hockey table. And I want the translucent chair.
J>. Please can we keep the chair?
Gary>. Have you sat in it?
J>. Yes.
Gary>. Keep it.
…………………………………….
NICK
Drake>>You know, they said the best things in the life is free.
Josh>>A lot of people tell you money isn’t important.
Both>>They’re lying.
Drake>>OK, there maybe things that are more important than money.
Josh >>Money isn’t everything.
Drake>>But without money… Hey. Whoa. What’s happening with my box? It’s getting way too small.
Josh >>Ok, why am I in a triangle? Hello?
Drake>>Can we increase the size of my box, please?
Josh >>Can I go back to a square or a rectangle?
Drake>>Ok, now I’m am too big.
Josh >>I’m upside down here.
Drake>>A little smaller?
Josh >>Blood rushing to my head.
Drake>>What is going on?
Josh >>I think we’re having a technical glitch.
Megan>>What’s up, brothers?
Drake>>Megan, get off the screen.
Josh >>Hey, she’s got the video effects box.
Drake>>That’s figures.
Megan>>Let’s see what this thing can do.
Drake& Josh>>No! Megan! Do not touch! (speaking indistinctly)
Megan>>How cool is this thing?
Josh
>>All right, Megan, you’re in big trouble.
Drake>>Yeah, wait until we tell mom what you d(id it)…
Megan>>It’s good being me.
……………………………………………………
Josh >. Hi. Can I help you?
A customer >. Uh, yeah. Could I just get a…
Drake>. Josh, check his out.
Josh>. Drake, I’m with a customer.
Drake>. So? This is important.
Josh>. Excuse me. What?
Drake>. Look. [kissing] The Gummi Bears are making out. Dude, you slapped my bears.
Josh>. And you made my customer leave.
Drake>. Who cares?
Josh>. I do. Hellman’s been all over my butt to sell more snacks.
Drake>. Uh, you know, you really shouldn’t use the words “butt” and “snacks” in the same sentence.
Josh>. Headaches.
Drake>. All right. You want to sell some more snacks? Here. I’ll help you with this lady.
Josh>. What do you mean…
Drake>. Shh.
A lady>. Hello. How small is your smallest popcorn?
Josh>. Uh…
A lady>. No, no. that’s huge. I could never digest that much corn.
Drake>. But haven’t you read the medical report that says popcorn is good for senior citizens?
Josh>. Oh, yeah! The medical report that said popcorn helps the elderly… not die!
Drake>. Right.
A lady>. Well, I do enjoy living. One large popcorn, please.
Josh>. Yes, ma’am.
Drake>. And you want a soda, right?
A lady>. Oh, no, no, no. I don’t believe in liquids.
Drake>. But, ma’am, you’re going to have to drink something, or else, uh, you know…
Josh>. Well, the popcorn might clog your… farfoligus valve.
Drake>. Ooh, yeah. Farfoligus valve. You don’ want that clogged.
A lady>. You know, I think that’s how Henry went. Very well. I sill take your largest cup of pop.
Josh>. Excellent.
A lady>. Oh, no. Thank you for the gift of life .
A salesman>. Hey. You guys are pretty good salesmen.
Drake>. Thanks.
Josh>. We try.
Buddy>. My name’s Buddy. This is Guy.
Drake>. What’s going on?
Josh>. What’s up?
Buddy>. How’d you guys like to use those sales skills to make a little extra cash?
Drake>. Uh, what do you mean?
Guy>. Show ‘em, Buddy.
Buddy>. Ahh.
Josh>. A grill? It’s kind of small.
Guy>. It’s a Gary Coleman Grill.
Buddy>. Cooks one hamburger at a time.
Guy>. Or a pork chop.
Buddy>. Or a steak.
Guy>. Any meat, really. It’s perfect for a bachelor.
Buddy>. Bachelorette.
Guy>. Anyone who likes to cook.
Buddy>. Or eat.
Guy>. Or listen to music.
Drake>. What?
Josh>. Huh?
Buddy>. It also has a built-in MP3 player.
Guy>. So you can cook some meat and listen to some tunes.
Drake>. Wait. So they combined a grill with an MP3 player?
Josh>. Finally! I’ll take 2.
Buddy>. Oh, no, no, no. we’re not trying to sell you one. We want you guys to sell them. Each one is $39.95. for every one you sell, you keep 20%.
Guy>. Interested?
[stammering]
Drake>. Perhaps, but let me discuss it with my associate. Back in a second.
Josh>. What do you think?
Drake>. Well, let’s see. Each grill is about 40 bucks, right? We keep 20% of every one we sell. Makes… $800 a grill.
Josh>. Move your decimal.
Drake>. Oh, right, right. $8,000 a grill!
Josh>. Oh, $8.00 a grill! But ..but still, if we sold, like, 100 grills a week…
Drake>. We’d make a fortune, right?
Josh>. Yeah, we would!
Drake>. Awesome.
Guy>. Well ?
Josh>. Ok.
Drake>. We’re in.
Guy>. All right. Cool. Why don’t you meet us in the parking lot in about 15 minutes?
Buddy>. We’ll start you guys off with 100 grills.
Josh>. Awesome.
Drake>. All right.
A lady>. Excuse me. Excuse me. That medical report that you boys mentioned. Did it say anything about nachos?
……………………………………………
♪I never though that it’d be so simple but ♪I fond a way, I found a way♪If you open up your mind, to see what’s inside♪It’s gonna take some time to realize ♪but if you look inside, I’m sure you’ll find♪over your shoulder you know that I told you I’ll always be picking you up when you’re down♪So just turn around♪Ooh- ooh-ooh- ooh♪
………………………………………………
Josh>. ‘sup, mama? What you doing?
Mama>. Um, making dinner.
Josh>. Wow, you know, cooking sure requires lots of pots and pans and hard work. If only there was an easier way.
Drake>. What if I told you there was an easier way?
Josh>. Why, I’d say that’s crazy.
Drake>. Crazy like this grill?
Josh>. Whaaat?
Drake>. The Gary Coleman Grill.
Mama>. All right, what is that thing?
Drake>. What isn’t this thing? It cooks steaks, burgers, chops, chicken.
Josh>. Oh, so it just cooks things.
Drake>. No, It’s also… an MP3 player!
Josh>. Whoa! How much does it cost? A billion dollars?
Drake>. Nope, it’s only $39.95.
Josh>. [gasps] Impossible!
Mama>. Hey, if I buy one, will you two stop talking in those annoying voices?
Drake&Josh>. Deal.
Josh>. Hey, why don’t you buy 6?
Mama>. Because I’m not an idiot? Honey, look. I bought a Gary Coleman Grill.
Dad>. Great. Now we’ve got 7 of them.
………………………………………………
[school bell rings]
Drake>. There you are.
Josh>. For the last time, the answer is no.
Drake>. Then you’re not my brother anymore.
A classmate, Randy >. Drake, what[s the problem?
Drake>. Stay out pf this, Randy. Sell me a grill.
Josh>. Why should I ?
Drake>. Because it’s not fair. You got $100 Gary Coleman Grills / MP3 players. And I didn’t even get one Gary Coleman Grill / MP3 player.
Josh>. Why do you want one so bad?
Drake>. Because I want to be able grill meats and play music at the same time, and that’s the only machine that does it.
Josh>. So why don’t you go out and buy one?
Drake>. You know I can’t. They’re not available in America yet.
Josh>. Yeah, that’s why I bought 100 from my friend in Japan.
Drake>. So sell me one.
Josh>. But if I sell you one, then I have to sell everybody one.
Randy >. Yeah, man. You sell Drake one, I want one.
All>. I want one.
J>. OK, fine. I give up. I guess I’ll just have to sell everyone a Gary Coleman Grill / MP3 player. Put our money in the sack and grab yourself a grill.
[indistinct chatter]
D>. That’s right. Buy the grills.
……………………………………………..
D>. How much we got left?
J>. Ah, let’s see. After all stuff we bought, we still got… a little over 1,000 bucks left.
D>. Man, I cannot believe I can afford to buy clothes like this.
J>. Well, I can’t believe we can afford our own fooshockey table.
D>. I know.
J>. Let’s play.
D>. OK.
[buzzer]
D>. Man, do you realize, if we keep selling these grills like this, we’re going to be set for life?
D>. Financial security!
Megan >. All right. You guys bought all this stuff selling those stupid grills?
D>. Yep.
J>. Jealous much?
Megan>. Yeah. I want in.
D>. What?
Megan>. I want to sell some grills. Give me some grilles.
D>. No way.
J>. Stick to your lemonade stands, little girl.
Megan>. OK. Fine. But just remember, I’m younger than you. One day, you’ll both be old and sick. That’s when you’ll need me. But I’ll be in Europe, laughing it up at the two of you lying in bed gagging on your own saliva.
J>. Well, that was cheerful.
D>. Forget her. Soda me.
J>. Oh, with our new remote control soda shooter.
D>. Do it.
J>. Hey, look. We only got about 15 grills left.
D>. Oh, no prob. Buddy and guy are dropping off 100 more tonight.
[knocking on door]
D>. Oh, that must be our 4:00 massages.
J>. Wonder which one’s mine?
…………………………………….
[indistinct shouting]
J>. Here you go. Enjoy. Thank you.
D>. All right. OK. Everyone is going to have to disperse.
[crowd groans]
J>. Sorry, sorry. We just need to take a little inventory and count our money.
D>. But don’t worry. Come back in 30 minutes and we’ll be ready to sell more Gary Grills.
J>. Oh, you are the best brother.
D>. Oh, I’m thinking you are.
J>. Oh, I think you are.
D>.You trying to start a fight?
J>. Yeah. A money fight. Ha ha ha ha .
Police man>. Hey, excuse us. We don’t mean to interrupt your money fight, cut a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman Grills.
J>. Your friend is right.
D>. So how many you want?
Police man>. Well, tell you what. We’ll take them all.
D>. Wait, you want all of them?
Police man>. That’s right.
J>. Sorry, we only accept cash.
Police man>. These are badges.
D>. Dude, cash only.
Police man>. I don’t think you understand. Drake Parker? Josh Nichols?
J>. Yes?
D>. Yeah.
Police man>. You’re under arrest. Possession and sale of stolen property.
D>. Stolen? The grilles?
Police man>. That’s right.
J>. We were just selling them for these two guys.
D>. Yeah, we didn’t know they were stolen.
Police man>. Right.
Another police man>. Sure. Come with us, please.
J>. Drake.
D>. Yeah?
J>. I’ve read about prison.
D>. And?
J>. It ain’t fun!
…………………………………..
J>. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You can’t lock me in here. I’m on the honor roll! Drake, do something.
D>. Yeah, what do you want me to do?
J>. Tell them we didn’t steal those grills.
D>. I did. They don’t believe us.
J>. Well, I don’t belong in prison. Prison is for such and lowlifes. Expect for you guys. I’m sure you’re all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and… let me out of here! I have a piano lesson!
D>. Don’t freak out, all right? We’ll figure a way out of this, but until then, just be cool, OK? These kids are tough.
J>. Right. Hiya. So, where do you go to school?
>. You know what color your guts are?
J>. No.
>. I do.
J>. Oh. is your father a surgeon?
D>. He’s not a good friend.
>. Hey. Give me your shoes.
J>. I’m not giving you my shoes. Drake.
D>. Give him your shoes.
J>. No. these have special arch supports.
Police man>. Parker. Nichols. I need to talk to you.
J>. Oh, thank you, thank you! [laughs] Try and hurt me now. Ohh! Oh! oh! He hurt me with my own underwear.
…………………………………
Police man>. Well, looks like you two boys are in some serious trouble.
D>. No, we didn’t do anything.
Police man>. Well, then, how come your partner’s sweating so much?
J>. It’s hereditary. I come from a family of moist men.
D>. Look, I told you. we’re innocent.
Police man>. Look, all I know is, last month, a truckload of Gary Coleman Grills were stolen out of Whippany, New Jersey.
Another police man>. Eyewitness say the thieves were two clean-cut Caucasian males.
D>. there you go. We’re not Caucasian. We’re white guys.
J>. [inaudible]
D>. Go ahead.
Police man>.we know you two stole the grills.
Another police man>. Why don’t you just admit it?
D>. Look, I told you. we were at the premiere, and two guys came up to us and offered us jobs selling grills.
Another police man>. OK. What were the names of these 2 guys?
J>. Um, well, one of their names was, uh… guy.
Another police man>. Right. Guy. And what was his buddy’s name?
D>. Buddy.
Police man>. I see, and did they have a third partner named Pal?
Another police man>. What about Dude, huh? Was Dude in on it with them?
J>. Hey, I think you’re mocking us.
Another police man>. I just want to know one thing. Why combine a personal grill with an MP3 player?
Police man>. Now that is bizarre.
J>. We don’t know.
D>. We didn’t make them.
Another police man>. No, you just stole them.
J.>. Right. Oh…
D>. Josh!
Another police man>. He just confessed.
J>. I did not!
Police man>. Well, then, you lied to him!
J>. Yes!
D>. Look, Josh…
Another police man>. How many songs does it hold?
Police man>. Tell us!
J>. Oh, leave me alone! I’m confused and sweaty.
…………………………
Another police man>. OK. You guys get one phone call each.
D>. I only get 2 chances to dial this phone.
J>. Yeah. We better call mom and dad.
D>. Right.
[telephone ringing on other end]
Megan>. Wait, hang on, Denise. I got another call on the other line.
[beep]
Megan>. Hello?
D>. Megan. Listen, it’s Drake. Me and Josh are in jail.
Megan>. Yeah, right.
D>. Wait, no! listen, Megan, this isn’t a joke…
[dial tone]
J>. What?
D>. she hung up on me!
J>. Oh, give me the phone.
[telephone ringing on other end]
Megan>. Wait, hang on, Denise. Got another call.
[beep]
Megan>. Hello?
J>. Megan, it’s Josh. Where’s mom and dad?
Megan>. Look, I’m on the other line with Denise.
J>. Megan, it’s important.
Megan>. Hang on. Let me get off my other call.
[beep]
Megan>. Denise, I got to go. My big boob of a brother is on the other line.
J>. Still me!
Megan>. Josh, what’s your problem? Denise and I are trying to talk about ponies.
J>. Megan, listen to me. Drake and I are in jail. I swear.
Megan>. Wait. You’re seriously in jail?
J>. yes. Those Gary Grills were stolen. Now, listen to me. We’re supposed to meet the grill guys at the premiere in an hour. So tell mom and dad…
Megan>. Wait.
J>. What?
Megan>. Do ponies lay eggs?
J>. Megan! This is important. Now would you stop playing around and just give me the…Megan? Megan. All yours.
……………………………………
A bad guy>. Man, where’s Drake and Josh?
Another bad guy>. I don’t know. You told them 5, right? They’re supposed to be here at 5.
Megan>. Hello.
A bad guy>. Hi.
Another bad guy>. Hi. What’s up?
Megan>. You waiting for Drake and Josh?
A bad guy>. Maybe.
Another bad guy>. And who are you?
Megan>. Their sister.
A bad guy>. And how can we help you?
Megan>. I want to sell grills.
[both laugh]
A bad guy>. What are you talking about?
Megan>. Look, let’s not play around. I can sell stuff way better than Drake and Josh can. That means I can make you guys more money than them.
A bad guy>. [scoffs] I doubt it.
Megan>. Do you? Excuse me, ma’am.
A lady>. Yes?
Megan>. I don’t mean to bother you, but if I don’t sell these grills, my daddy makes me sleep in the backyard. Will you please buy one? I miss my bed.
A lady>. Oh, of course. How much are they?
Megan>. $39.95 each, or 2 for $100.
A lady>. I’ll take both. Here’s $100.
Megan>. Thank you. Well?
Another bad guy>. OK. Ha. You’re good.
Megan>. I know. So you drop off the grills at my house, I sell them, and we split the profits 50-50.
A bad guy>. 50-50? You’re out of your mind.
Another bad guy>. Yeah. We were only paying your brothers 20%.
Megan>. Look, I know the grills are stolen.
Another bad guy>. Shh.
A bad guy>. Why would you say that?
Megan>. Because I’m not stupid, and I want 50%.
A bad guy>. You’re not getting half.
Another bad guy>. Yeah. We stole the grills, we took the risk.
Megan>. Oh. OK. That’s all I needed to hear. Gentlemen? Buddy, Guy, meet the FBI. FBI, meet Buddy and Guy.
Another bad guy>. You set us up!
Megan>. Yeah, I did.
A bad guy>. She’s a wearing a wire.
Megan>. Yeah, I was.
Mom>. You did it, sweetie.
Dad>. Good going, Megan.
Police man>. Come with us. Turn around. Hands behind your back.
Another police man>. Let’s go, Buddy.
A bad guy>. Actually, I’m guy.
Another bad guy>. Guy?
Guy>. Yeah?
Another bad guy>. I’ve read about prison.
Guy>. And?
Another bad guy>. It ain’t fun.
A lady>. Excuse me, are you this little girl’s father?
Dad>. Yes, I am.
A lady>. How dare you make her sleep in the yard!
………………………………..
J>.[harmonica playing]
>. Sorry.
J>. Happens.
D>. Mom!
J>. Dad?
Police man>. Parker, Nichols, free to go.
J>. We’re getting out?
D>. How come?
Mom>. Because your sister worked with the FBI and helped them set up a sting.
Dad>. Which helped them find the guys who really stole the grills.
D>. Megan?
J>. You helped us?
Megan>. Don’t get used to it.
Dad>. So, are Drake and Josh free to go?
Police man>. Almost. There is somebody who does want to say one thing to them. Mr. Coleman.
J>. Whoa. You’re Gary Coleman.
Gary>. I know who I am.
D>. What are you doing here?
Mom>. I’m sure he’s here to thank you for finding his stolen grills.
Gary>. Actually, no, that’s not why I’m here.
J>. Why?
Gary>. You sold all my grills, so I’m here to collect the money.
D>. Uh, we kind of spent it.
J>. Yeah. We’re really sorry.
Gary>. [laughs] You know, I know you didn’t spend all my money, because if you did, I’d be really upset.
D>. Oh. Your money! Yeah.
J>. Yeah!
Gary>. The money.
J>. We have your money.
Gary>. Where’s my money?
D>. Uh, we left it in this cell right here.
J>. Yeah, right…right under the bench.
Gary>. You left it in the cell? Guys, it took years to develop that grill…
J>. See you at home?
D>. Right behind you.
Gary>. Drake? Josh? You better come back here. Agent?
>. Hey. Give me your shoes.
Gary>. Back off!
>. Sorry.
………………………………….
Gary>. I want the two mermaid tables and I want the vibrating chair. I want the rocket bubble gum machine. I want the lava lamp.
>. Soda machine?
Gary>. Yes, the soda machine.
D>. He forgot the hockey table.
Gary>. I want the hockey table. And I want the translucent chair.
J>. Please can we keep the chair?
Gary>. Have you sat in it?
J>. Yes.
Gary>. Keep it.
…………………………………….
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