DISE Original Air Date: 04/11/10
Teddy>. Hi, Charlie. Teddy here. So right now you’re nine months old and everything is going great. Well, almost everything. Now what I’m about to show you is kind of disturbing, so brace yourself.
mom>. Mmm, these sandwiches will be yammy wummy.
dad>.Yes, they will, yes, they will.
Teddy>. Mom and dad have been talking like that ever since you arrived. And if it’s not over soon, I’m gonna go crazy wazy.
>. P.J.!
P.J.>. What?
>. What are you listening to?
P.J.>. I downloaded a podcast on the history of ballet.
>. You like that?
P.J.>. More than baby talk.
Mom>. Would you like some fishy wishies with your cookie wookie?
dad>. Yes, I would, yes, I would.
Teddy>. Wait, guys, Charlie isn’t even here.
mom>. No, widdle baby take a nappy wappy upstairs.
Teddy>. So why are you guys still talking like that?
dad>. I don’t “weawy” know.
Mom>. I guess we’re just kinda fried.
Dad>. Well, we work all day, take care of a baby all night. Work shift, baby shift… I’ve barely got time to make doo-doo.
Teddy >. Well, when was the last time you guys had a night out? You know, like just the two of you…like a date?
Dad>. Teddy made a funny.
Mom>. A funny wunny.
Teddy>. Seriously! You know what? It’s Saturday night. You two, you go out, have fun, and do something besides work, take care of the baby and make doo-doo.
Mom>. Well, it’s nice to dream, but who’s gonna take care of Charlie?
Teddy>. Hello! You’ve got three great babysitters right here.
P.J.>. I’m glad I didn’t hear that.
Mom>. I don’t know, teddy. It’s really nice thought, but we’re really not baby to go out without Charlie just yet.
>. You guys want to see a magic trick?
Mom>. Sure!
Dad>. Okay.
>. Prepare to be amazed.
Mom>. I could use a night out.
……………………………
[sock music playing]
♪ day’s all burnt toast ♪ running late, and dad says ♪ has anybody seen my left shoe? ♪ I close my eyes, take a bite ♪ grab a ride, laugh out loud ♪ there it is up on the roof ♪ I’ve been there, I’ve survived ♪ so just take my advice ♪ hang in there, baby, things are crazy but I know your future’s bright ♪ hang in there, baby ♪ there’s no maybe everything turns out all right ♪your life is up and down ♪ But trust me, it comes back around ♪ you’re gonna love who you turn out to be ♪ hang in there, baby. ♪
……………………………….
Teddy>. All right, you guys have fun. Stay out as late as you want. But not too much fun… we have enough kids already. I’m serious.
Mom>. Okay, everyone, be good, have fun, love you.
Both>. Yeah yeah.
Mom>. All right.
Dad>. Hey, Teddy, thanks for doing this. It’s gonna be nice for your mom and I to have some special time together.
Mom>. Bob, move your butt!
Dad>. I’m coming!
Teddy>. All right, so we divide it up evenly, we each get to spend an hour with Charlie. Who wants to go first?
>. I think you should go first.
P.J.> And second and third, since this was your idea.
Teddy>. Hey, I’m not doing this all by myself. You guys have to help out.
P.J.>. fine. I’ll go fourth.
Teddy>. There is no fourth.
P.J.> I meant I shall go forth to the park to shooteth some hoop.
Teddy>. You want to go to the park so badly, then shy don’t you just take Charlie?
P.J.> What’s a baby supposed to do at the park?
Teddy>. Babies love parks. You can show her the duck pond, the blue sky, clouds.
P.J.> We’re just gonna look at stuff? That’s what TV is for.
…………………………………..
P.J.> Yeah heh hah, all right! This is great. Whee! Yes, whoo! What are you looking at? I was here first. Hey, you can ride that duck. I couldn’t ride the duck. I’d look silly on the duck. Fine.
Hey there, Charlie. Are we having fun yet? All right.
Man>. Man, you seen a kid’s birthday party around here anywhere? I’m the entertainment.
P.J.> I saw a bounce house on the other end of the park.
Man>. A bouncy house, eh? Great. Another trip to the E.R.
P.J.> Who are you supposed to be anyway? Plastic man, rubber man?
Man>. No, those are all registered trademarks. I’m captain stretchy. There used to be a “CS” here, but it came off in the wash.
P.J.> So what’s your super power?
Man>. Super elasticity. Hey, look, there’s a quarter. Eh! [mutters] Ah, forget it. Not like it’s a dollar, right?
…………….
P.J.> Hi.
Girl>. Hi.
P.J.> Oh, yeah, I like your taste in strollers.
Girl>. Thanks, you too. Oh, wow. That baby’s so cute.
P.J.> You too. Oh, I mean yours too.
Girl>. I’m Emma.
P.J.> I’m P.J. Who’s this little guy?
Emma>. My brother. We’re just out for our stroll. We do this every day.
P.J.> Us too. Like I always say, babies love parks. Would you like to sit for a bit?
Emma>. Sure. So I saw you talking to captain stretchy earlier.
P.J.> Oh, yeah, he was lost. Not much of a superhero, right?
Emma>. Oh, he’s the worst. We hired him for my brother’s birthday party and he sat on the cake.
P.J.> That sounds awful.
Emma>. Oh, it gets worse. The candles were lit, so he sat in the punch.
P.J.> That is so weird. I mean he looks like such a quality entertainer.
Emma>. You know, P.J., I’m really impressed that you take your baby sister to the park. My brothers would never do anything like that.
P.J.> I hope not. She is my sister.
…………………………
>. Now watch closely. In this hand I have a quarter and in the other, an ordinary egg. Now I put them in this hat, spin them around a little and presto.
Teddy>. Just out of curiosity, what was supposed to happen?
…………….
P.J.> I love this baby. Anytime she wants to go to the park, sign me up.
Teddy>. What happened to you?
P.J.> Let’s just say Charlie made a friend, P.J. made a friend.
Teddy>. Oh…and did either you or your friend bother to change a diaper?
P.J.> There’s no time for that. I was too busy talking to Emma.
>. Who’s Emma?
P.J.> A vision, an angel, the girl who’s moved into my heart.
>. Did you tell her about the vacancy in your brain?
Teddy>. P.J.?
P.J.> What?
Teddy>. You brought home the wrong baby.
P.J.> What? I did not.
Teddy>. Take a look! Wrong parts.
>. There’s nothing wrong with those parts.
………………………………
Teddy>. How could you bring home the wrong baby?
P.J.> I’m sorry. I got a little distracted. Emma is really cute.
Teddy>. Yeah, well, so was our sister. Come on, let’s go to the park and find her.
P.J.> Relax! I got her number.
Teddy>. Then what are you waiting for? Call her.
P.J.> Wait a second. Is it too soon? If I call now, she’ll think I’m desperate.
Teddy>. Oh, you are desperate.
P.J.> Good point. Hello, is Emma there? This is a Chinese restaurant? Sure, I’ll hear the specials.
Teddy>. She gave you the wrong number.
>. Who couldn’t see that one coming?
P.J.> But I gave her gum and helped her change a poopy diaper. It was so romantic.
Teddy>. Well, what do we do now?
[cell phone ringing]
Teddy>. Oh no! hi mom, what up? Yeah, everything’s going great. Why wouldn’t it be? We’re just having a grand old time here with… baby. Yeah, sure you can talk to him. Her her! Talk to mommy. Ooh-ooh ee ahh-ahh. What do you mean that didn’t sound like Charlie? What, do you just think I’m making baby noises into the phone? Mom, that’s crazy. All right, bye. Say bye, Charlie. Ooh ahh-ahh-ahh.
P.J.> Not that I’m in the position to criticize, but I was getting more monkey.
Teddy>. Come on, let’s go to the park.
>. And meet the girl who blew off P.J.? I’m there.
……………………………….
P.J.> I don’t see her.
Teddy>. P.J., what did she look like?
P.J.> She was hot, but what does it matter?
>. Maybe we should call someone. Who do you call when you search a baby?
P.J.> Captain stretchy!
Teddy>. What is that?
P.J.> .You’re still here?
Man>. Every Saturday and Sunday all day long. Stay in school, kids.
P.J.> Just the guy we needed to see. I think you can help us.
Man>. Hey, kid, I’m just an entertainer. I can’t get mommy and daddy back together.
P.J.> No, you don’t understand. I was talking to a girl here earlier, and she said that you worked a party for her brother.
Man>. So? I work lots if parties.
P.J.>. Where was the party where you fell on the cake?
Man> .You got three hours?
Teddy>. This is really important. We need to find her.
Man>. Interesting situation. You kids need info, and I need a mirdle.
Teddy>.What is a mirdle?
Man>. That’s a man girdle. And they ain’t cheap.
Teddy>. Yeah, neither is dry cleaning, apparently.
P.J.> .Her name’s Emma. Did she come back to the park?
Man>. Well, maybe she did and maybe she didn’t.
P.J.>. Stop rubbing your fingers together and answer my question.
>. He wants a bribe.
P.J.>. I can’t believe it. Here.
Man>. Here’s what I know: her name is Emma.
P.J.>. I just told you that.
Man>. I didn’t say the information was fresh. Yeah, I know the girl. She comes from a big family…seven, eight kids. For them I’ve been…astronaut Pete, cowboy Bob…
>. Magic Marv?
Man>. Yeah! You’re familiar with my work.
>. Yeah, and it stinks. I’m just starting off and I’m a better magician than you are.
Man>. Oh yeah? You think this is easy, huh? Here. Turn that into a schnauzer. You can’t do it, huh? Maybe it’s because you don’t have the chops!
Teddy>. Well, Stretchy, do you know where she lives?
Man>. Yeah, around here somewhere. I’d know it if I saw it.
Teddy>. Great! Now you help us tonight and we’ll get you into that mirdle tomorrow. Oh, and you understand we’re not actually gonna put you into it? That you have to do by yourself.
Man>. Yeah, I get it.
Teddy>. All right, come on, guys, we have to go find her.
Man>.Uh, hey…Captain Stretchy, away!
P.J.>. Truck’s this way.
Man>. Oh, okay.
………………………………
dad>. Order whatever you want, honey. I get a discount here. This place is one of my best customers.
Mom>. Not what you want to hear from an exterminator.
[baby cries]
mom>.oh, look at that.
Dad>. Oh, fajitas.
Mom>. Not that, the baby. A little baby in a stroller just like ours.
Dad>. Yeah, okay, honey, this is supposed to be a nigh away from the baby. So let’s come back.
Mom>. Okay okay, I’m back. I’m back. Just gotta run to the ladies’ room.
Dad>. Oh oh, hey, listen, while you’re in there, could you check the traps?
Mom>. Hola. Adios. Bob, will you go over and look at that baby? I think it’s Charlie.
Dad>. What?!
Mom>. You heard me, that is Charlie!
Dad>. Sweetheart, would you sit down, please?
Mom>. I will not sit down. A mother knows her own baby and that is my baby.
Dad>. Honey, seriously, what do you think happened here? In the last hour somebody went over to our house, borrowed our baby then brought her out for chips and guac?
Mom>. I don’t know, it’s a big family. Maybe that’s how they get their babies.
Dad>. Sweetheart, I think you’re just missing Charlie and you’re having a little separation anxiety.
Mom>. Oh, okay. You’re right. Crazy wazy. I mean, that isn’t possible, right?
Dad>. Exactly.
Mom>. I’m just going to go t the ladies’ room one more time.
Dad>. Sit down. Now let’s enjoy the rest of our night out at this very lovely restaurant. Okay?
Mom>. Okay.
Dad>. I’m needed in the kitchen.
…………………………….
Teddy>. Charlie!
P.J.>. Emma!
Teddy>. Charlie!
P.J.>. Emma!
>.Marco!
Man>.Polo.
Teddy>. Gabe, not helping. Stretchy, is any of this looking familiar?
Man>. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t.
Teddy>. You are not getting any more money.
Man>. No, I have night blindness. All I’m seeing is shapes.
Teddy>. Why didn’t you mention that earlier?
Man>. I needed a ride home. Stop here. Oh, great. Mom’s up. Maybe I’ll just hang with you kids.
Teddy>. Captain Stretchy, away.
P.J.>. Good night, Stretchy.
>.Good night, Stretchy.
Man >.Good night.
>. Now what?
P.J.>. We didn’t hit the streets on the north end of the park.
Teddy>. P.J., we can’t keep driving around all night. It’s over. We have to tell mom and dad.
P.J.>. But…
Teddy> No, it’ll be okay. They know what to do. They always do.
P.J.>. How am I gonna tell them I lost our baby sister? I’m the oldest. They’re gonna thing I’m the most responsible.
Teddy>. P.J., if it makes you feel any better, nobody thinks that.
P.J.>. Why do I always mess everything up?
Teddy>. You know what? This could have happened to any of us. All right, probably most likely you, but… this one, we’re all in it together.
P.J.>. Thanks.
>. Hey, look, Captain Stretchy dropped his driver’s license. 175 lbs, my butt!
…………………………………….
P.J.>. There they are.
Teddy>. All right, let’s get this over with.
P.J.>. Do you think it would be better or worse if we had the mariachi deliver the news?
Teddy>. If it’s in Spanish, probably better.
P.J.>. Wait, I don’t believe it. That’s Emma.
Teddy>. So that’s Charlie.
P.J.>. Yes! Oh we’re saved.
>. Not quite.
Mom>. Hey, kids.
P.J.>. What now?
Teddy>. I’ll let you know when I think of it. Mom, dad, hi.
Mom>. Hi.
Dad>. What are you doing here?
Teddy>. We just realized you must be missing Charlie, so we brought her.
Mom>. Oh, Teddy, you’re not fooling me.
Teddy>. I’m not?
Mom>. Nope. You spent a little too much time with Charlie and you’re ready to hand her over early.
Teddy>. Well, I wouldn’t say too much time.
Mom>. Well, I am ready too, so let me at her.
Teddy>. Gimme gimme gimme. Mom, mom, mom. You’re on a date. Let me bring her to you.
>. Here? Wait, now? Well, all right. Hey, mom.
Mom>. Hi, baby.
dad>. Hey.
>. Hey, dad. Something I want to show you.
mom>. What is it, honey?
[“William Tell Overture” playing]
>. And now for my next trick, I’m gonna make a boy disappear.
………..
P.J.>. You know, you should be ashamed of yourself. You lead a guy on, make him think you have a connection, and you give him a fake phone number.
Emma>. You put it in wrong. That three is supposed to be a two.
P.J.>. Oh, my bad. So… you wanna get a table?
…………
mom>. My widdle baby, did you miss your mommy and daddy?
Dad>. Yes, she did. Yes, she did.
Teddy>. Oh, I never thought I’d be so happy to hear baby talk.
Mom>. Teddy, this isn’t Charlie’s binky. Where did you get this?
Teddy>. Oh, well, that’s actually a really funny story. See, what happened was…
[music playing loudly]
Teddy>. Too loud. Tell you later.
……………………………
Teddy>. Well, Charlie, now you’re home safe and sound and everything turned out okay. For you. it would have been okay for us too, but when we got home, mom started asking all these questions and no one really had an answer to the pee stains in the living room .
Mom>. And that’s when the truth came out and all the kids got into trouble. So the lesson is if you ever try to pull anything over on mom, good luck, Charlie.
Teddy>. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
……………………………………
>. In this hand I have a quarter. And in the other hand, an ordinary egg. Now I put them in this hat, spin them around and… presto! Now hold out your hand.
Man>. Wow, that’s a great trick. How’d you do that?
>. Interesting situation. It seems you need information, meanwhile I need a new video game. What a chump.
Man>. Who you calling a chump? Hey, get back here.
……………………………………
2010年5月10日月曜日
2010年4月21日水曜日
“Good Luck Charlie” Episode1
DISE Original Air Date: 04/04/10
Teddy>. Hi, Charlie, there you are. Nine months old and look how cute you are. Yeah.
Charlie >. [chattering]
Teddy >>. And look how cute I am. It’s your big sister Teddy here, and I’m making this video diary to help you survive our… special family. Oh, hey. Looks like Dad taught you how to eat bananas. Oh-oh! oh, and there’s Mom, looking lovelier than ever this morning.
Mom>>. Not in the mood. Okay. I think you’ve had enough bananas. So we’re switching to sweet peas! You’re gonna love ‘em. Look, Mommy thinks they’re so yummy. Mmm!
Te>>. Very smart. Always make Mommy try it first, okay? Oh, and there’s your older brother PJ doing today’s homework at the last minute as usual.
PJ>>. It’s not today’s homework. This is yesterday’s homework.
Te>>. There’s a chance you two will be in high school together. Oh, and there’s Dad preparing for another day’s work. He kills bugs for a living.
Dad>>. Honey, come on. We’ve been through this. I don’t kill bugs. I’m a pest control specialist.
Te>>. Either way… [hacks] So now you’ve met the whole family.
Gabe>>. Forgetting somebody?
Te>>. Gabe! No no no. I didn’t forget about you. I was just saving the best for last. Charlie, that was your younger older brother Gabe. You want to say something to Charlie?
Gabe>>. You ruined my life.
Te>>. Okay, so it’s taking Gabe a little bit longer to get used to you. You were kind of a surprise.
Gabe>>. I thought surprises were supposed to be good.
Te>>. And… cut.
Mom>>. Okay, gang, listen up. I’m going back to work tonight at the hospital for the first time since Charlie was born, so I want everyone to stay at home and help Dad with the baby.
Te>>. Wait… no, mom. I’m not gonna be here tonight I have a study date at the library.
Mom>>. [groans]
PJ>>. Don’t you mean “studly” date with Spencer? [mimics kissing]
Te>>. Oh, save it for your pillow.
Mom>>. I’m sorry, Teddy, but you’re just gonna have to reschedule.
Te>>. But, dad…
Mom>>. Bob!
Dad>>. Uh, dad’s not available right now.
Te>>. Mom, don’t take this the wrong way, but why did you guys have to have another baby?
Mom>>. Well, because three kids was just too easy. Three’s for quitters. [chuckles]
Dad>>. And Teddy, you know better than to schedule a study date with a boy I’ve never met. Come on. As dad, it’s my responsibility to know every detail of my kids’ lives.
Gabe>>. Oh yeah? What school do I go to?
Dad>>. Um… the one named after that president. Hey, you know what? I’ve got to drive you kids to school.
Te>>. Let’s go.
Gabe>>. Wait, I haven’t had breakfast yet.
Dad>>. Come on, let’s go.
Gabe>>. Most important meal of the day… never got it.
Dad>>. Let’s go! I’ve gotta get you to… Roosevelt?
Gabe>>. Lincoln.
Dad>>. Got it.
……………………………….
[rock music playing] ♪ day’s all burnt toast ♪ running late, and dad says ♪ has anybody seen my left shoe? ♪ I close my eyes, take a bite ♪ grab a ride, laugh out loud ♪ there it is up on the roof ♪ I’ve been there, I’ve survived ♪ so just take my advice ♪ hang in there, baby, things are crazy but I know your future’s bright ♪ hang in there, baby ♪ there’s no maybe everything turns out all right your life is up and down ♪ But trust me, it comes back around ♪ you’re gonna love who you turn out to be ♪ hang in there, baby ♪
……………………………….
Mom>>. Bob honey, I’m leaving for work! Okay, honey, here’s Charlie’s schedule. It tells you when to feed her, when to change her and when to put her down.
Dad>>. Sweetheart, would you relax? Big daddy’s got this all under control.
Mom>>. Okay, just because that’s on your barbecue apron doesn’t make it true. Now if Charlie gets fussy, her rubber ducky will calm her down. They’re all over the place. Please be careful.
They’re all over the place.
Dad>>. Honey… you seem to forget I was fully involved in the raising of three kids.
Gabe>>. Oh, yeah? When’s my birthday?
Dad>>. July 12th.
Gabe>>. November 23rd.
Dad>>. Got it.
Mom>>. [gasps] Good luck, Charlie.
Cha>>. [cooing]
Mom>>. Mwah! Bye.
Dad>>. [chuckles] Bye.
Cha>>. [chattering]
[door closes]
Gabe>>. Hey, dad?
Dad>>. Yeah?
Gabe>>.I have a homework question.
Dad>>. Okay, fire away(=go ahead).
Gabe>>. Can the average human lick his own armpit?
Dad>>. Un… [muttering] Yeah!
Gabe>>. Thanks.
Dad>>. So what was that, like a science question?
Gabe>>. Nope.
…………………………..
[doorbell rings]
Te>>. I’ll get it. I’ll get it. I’ll get it. Nobody else get it! Hi!
Sp>>.Hi.
Dad>>. Hi! I’m Teddy’ s dad.
Sp>>. Nice to meet you, sir.
Te>>. Uh, Spencer and I are studying for our biology test tomorrow.
Dad>>. Are you, now?
Te>>. Yes. Yes, we are, so can everyone please leave? Not you.
Dad>>. Teddy?
Te>>. Yeah?
Dad>>. I thought your mom said no study date.
Te>>. Yeah, at the library.
Dad>>. Oh, right. Okay, so then you’ve talked to her about this?
Te>>. Of course I did. I mean, I’m…I’m pretty sure I did. It’s just I talk to so many different people about so many different things.
Sp>>. Why is there a giant bug in your house?
Dad>>. That, my friend, is the Jerusalem Cricket, better known to the layman as the potato bug. I’m an exterminator.
Te>>. Here we go.
Dad>. Hey, have you seen my ad on local cable… “Bob’s bugs be gone”?
Te>>. Yeah, how do we make Bob be gone?
Dad>>. Okay. You’ve got homework to do. I’ve got a diaper to change. Hers… not mine. [chuckles] I ain’t that old! [laughing] I’m gonna be upstairs.
Te>>. Gabe…out.
Gabe>>. Okay, fine. But when’s that hot guy getting here?
Te>>. Out! Kids!
Sp>>. Yeah. Oh man, I left my book at school.
Te>>. Oh, that’s okay, we can just share mine. [giggles] Is that okay?
Sp>>. Perfect.
Te>>. Good, ‘cause I’m all about the learnin’,
Sp>>. Let me just grab a pencil.
Te>>. Oh yeah, I might have one.
Sp>>. [squirts]
Te>>. [sighs] I think I left my pencils at school.
Sp>>. Me too. [blows]
Te>>. [giggles]
PJ over amplifier>>. Ladies and gentlemen! PJ and the Vibe! [dissonant rock music blaring]
Sp>>. Wow, sounds like you live right next door to that weird P.J. kid.
Te>>. Hmm. Yeah. He’s not next door. He’s downstairs… and he’s my brother.
Sp>>. Oh! oh, I’m…I’m sorry.
Te>>. Yeah, me too.
……………………………..
PJ>>. Wait wait wait! Stop stop! Emmett, you were supposed to open with the downbeat.
Dude, I’m percussion, let me “Percush”!
Te>>. For crying out loud, guys!
Emm>>.What’s up?
Te>>. Can you please turn it down? We’re trying to study.
PJ>>. No can do, sis. There’s only one level in Rock’n’ Roll. And that is loud!
[guitar blaring]
Emm>>.Whoa whoa whoa whoa. I think we can accommodate your little sister.
PJ>>. Excuse me. But the band is called P.J. and the Vibe.
Emm>>.So what, the Vibe doesn’t get a say? I…I’m the Vibe. [chuckles]
Te>>. Yeah, I got that.
Emm>>.Oh, so you got my vibe, huh? I’m gonna be over here.
Te>>. Turn it down now.
PJ>>. You will not censor my art. I will not be silent! [dissonant electric guitar blaring]
Te>>. [music stop ]
PJ>>. Hey!
Te>>. If I have come down here again, this gets plugged in somewhere else. Okay?
Emm>>. [snickering] Yo, who’s she up there studying with anyway? Is there a second fine lady in the houses?
PJ>>. Some guy she’s totally into.
Emm>>.I can’t believe she’s cheating on me.
PJ>>. She’s not cheating on you. She barely knows you exist.
Emm>>.No, see, our relationship is just developing slowly.
PJ>>. No, there is no relationship.
Emm>>.Yes, there is.
PJ>>. No, it’s all in your head!
Emm>>.No, it’s not, ‘cause even my mom knows about it.
……………………………….
Te>>. Now, then, where were we? [clears throat] You know, actually, I think you were a little bit closer. All right… cellular respiration.
Sp>>. [yawns] Do you mind?
Te>>. Not at all. While we’re at it…
[ toy squeaks] [R&B music playing]
Gabe>>. What are you doing?
Te>>. Oh! Gabe! What do you want?
Gabe>>. Dinner! Nobody’s fed me all day! And I am still part of this family, right?
Te>>. There’s a half-eaten sandwich in the fridge. Knock yourself out. All right. Now my brothers are all taken care of.
Sp>>. Good.
Te>>. And there will be no more interruptions.
Dad>>. Teddy!
Te>>. Oh, god! What do you want?!
Dad>>. I need you to watch the baby for a sec! Whoa-ho-ho!
Cha>>. [coos]
Te>>. Noooooo!
Sp>>. Noooooo!
Dad>>. Ow! [grunting]
Gabe>>. Mmm!
Dad>>. [sighs] Nobody tells mom!
Te>>. Come here, Charlie.
Cha>>. [chattering]
Te>>. Oh, yes, Charlie’s fine.
Dad>>. Ooh! But I’m not. Uh, Teddy, tell P.J. to fire up the bug truck, I think I gotta go to the hospital. Oh, and Teddy, you’re gonna have to watch the baby.
Te>>. Noooookay!
……………………………..
PJ>>. Relax, we’ll be at the hospital in 10 minutes.
Dad>>. Okay, just please please hurry. Oh, wow! My butt is on fire!
PJ>>. That is so weird! Last week, Emmett and I wrote a song with that exact same title.
Dad>>. That’s great, son. Just please don’t sing…
PJ>>. ♪my butt is on fire!♪
Dad>>. Stop it.
PJ>>. ♪it’s the size of a tire!♪
Dad>>. Stop it.
PJ>>. Punch buggy!
Dad>>. Ow! What are you doing?! Could you drive, please?!
PJ>>. Hey, you want to play license plate game?
Dad>>. No!
PJ>>. Michigan.
………………………….
Te>>. [murmuring baby talk]
Sp>>. Maybe I should go.
Te>>. No! um, she’s almost done with bottle and then she’ll go right to sleep. Then we can studly…I mean study. Now, uh, where were we?
Sp>>. Okay.
Cha>>. [chattering]
Te>>. Yeah.
Sp>>. What is cellular respiration?
Te>>. That’s when glucose and other compounds oxidize to produce chemical energy, water and carbon dioxide.
Sp>>. Mm-mmm.
Cha>>. [passes gas] [chatters]
Te>>. Also known as poop.
………………………………….
Dad>>. Oh, boy.
PJ>>. Hang in there, dad.
Dad>>. Wow! Wow! Wow! Butt fire spreading. Where’s the doctor?
PJ>>. I’ll go see.
Dad>>. Okay, wait wait wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. We don’t want mom to know we’re here, right? So please be careful. Just try and blend in.
PJ>>. [snickers] Dad, come on. It’s hard for this to blend in.
Dad>>. Just figure something out.
PJ>>. “ figure something out.” “ figure something out.” Aha! Mom!
A boy>>. You’re the doctor?
PJ>>. Yes. I am. I am doctor… shh..Chandrasooleewan.
A boy>>. Are you Indian?
PJ>>. We prefer to be called native American.
A boy>>. Are you sure you’re a real doctor? You look kinda young.
PJ>>. [laughs] You sound like my wife. Okay, uh…what seems to be the problem?
A boy>>. I have a fish hook in my lip!
PJ>>. How’d this happen?
A boy>>. My dad is not a very good fisherman.
PJ>>. Hey, mine’s not a very good walking-down-the-stairs man. So…I’m guessing you’re a 97-pounder.
…………………………………
Te>>. ♪ hush, little baby go beddy-bye ♪Teddy wants to kiss a really cute guy. ♪
Sp>>. How’s it going?
Te>>. Well, we’re getting there. [chuckles] [humming]
Emm>>.Well well well. What have we here?
Teddy>. Hi, Charlie, there you are. Nine months old and look how cute you are. Yeah.
Charlie >. [chattering]
Teddy >>. And look how cute I am. It’s your big sister Teddy here, and I’m making this video diary to help you survive our… special family. Oh, hey. Looks like Dad taught you how to eat bananas. Oh-oh! oh, and there’s Mom, looking lovelier than ever this morning.
Mom>>. Not in the mood. Okay. I think you’ve had enough bananas. So we’re switching to sweet peas! You’re gonna love ‘em. Look, Mommy thinks they’re so yummy. Mmm!
Te>>. Very smart. Always make Mommy try it first, okay? Oh, and there’s your older brother PJ doing today’s homework at the last minute as usual.
PJ>>. It’s not today’s homework. This is yesterday’s homework.
Te>>. There’s a chance you two will be in high school together. Oh, and there’s Dad preparing for another day’s work. He kills bugs for a living.
Dad>>. Honey, come on. We’ve been through this. I don’t kill bugs. I’m a pest control specialist.
Te>>. Either way… [hacks] So now you’ve met the whole family.
Gabe>>. Forgetting somebody?
Te>>. Gabe! No no no. I didn’t forget about you. I was just saving the best for last. Charlie, that was your younger older brother Gabe. You want to say something to Charlie?
Gabe>>. You ruined my life.
Te>>. Okay, so it’s taking Gabe a little bit longer to get used to you. You were kind of a surprise.
Gabe>>. I thought surprises were supposed to be good.
Te>>. And… cut.
Mom>>. Okay, gang, listen up. I’m going back to work tonight at the hospital for the first time since Charlie was born, so I want everyone to stay at home and help Dad with the baby.
Te>>. Wait… no, mom. I’m not gonna be here tonight I have a study date at the library.
Mom>>. [groans]
PJ>>. Don’t you mean “studly” date with Spencer? [mimics kissing]
Te>>. Oh, save it for your pillow.
Mom>>. I’m sorry, Teddy, but you’re just gonna have to reschedule.
Te>>. But, dad…
Mom>>. Bob!
Dad>>. Uh, dad’s not available right now.
Te>>. Mom, don’t take this the wrong way, but why did you guys have to have another baby?
Mom>>. Well, because three kids was just too easy. Three’s for quitters. [chuckles]
Dad>>. And Teddy, you know better than to schedule a study date with a boy I’ve never met. Come on. As dad, it’s my responsibility to know every detail of my kids’ lives.
Gabe>>. Oh yeah? What school do I go to?
Dad>>. Um… the one named after that president. Hey, you know what? I’ve got to drive you kids to school.
Te>>. Let’s go.
Gabe>>. Wait, I haven’t had breakfast yet.
Dad>>. Come on, let’s go.
Gabe>>. Most important meal of the day… never got it.
Dad>>. Let’s go! I’ve gotta get you to… Roosevelt?
Gabe>>. Lincoln.
Dad>>. Got it.
……………………………….
[rock music playing] ♪ day’s all burnt toast ♪ running late, and dad says ♪ has anybody seen my left shoe? ♪ I close my eyes, take a bite ♪ grab a ride, laugh out loud ♪ there it is up on the roof ♪ I’ve been there, I’ve survived ♪ so just take my advice ♪ hang in there, baby, things are crazy but I know your future’s bright ♪ hang in there, baby ♪ there’s no maybe everything turns out all right your life is up and down ♪ But trust me, it comes back around ♪ you’re gonna love who you turn out to be ♪ hang in there, baby ♪
……………………………….
Mom>>. Bob honey, I’m leaving for work! Okay, honey, here’s Charlie’s schedule. It tells you when to feed her, when to change her and when to put her down.
Dad>>. Sweetheart, would you relax? Big daddy’s got this all under control.
Mom>>. Okay, just because that’s on your barbecue apron doesn’t make it true. Now if Charlie gets fussy, her rubber ducky will calm her down. They’re all over the place. Please be careful.
They’re all over the place.
Dad>>. Honey… you seem to forget I was fully involved in the raising of three kids.
Gabe>>. Oh, yeah? When’s my birthday?
Dad>>. July 12th.
Gabe>>. November 23rd.
Dad>>. Got it.
Mom>>. [gasps] Good luck, Charlie.
Cha>>. [cooing]
Mom>>. Mwah! Bye.
Dad>>. [chuckles] Bye.
Cha>>. [chattering]
[door closes]
Gabe>>. Hey, dad?
Dad>>. Yeah?
Gabe>>.I have a homework question.
Dad>>. Okay, fire away(=go ahead).
Gabe>>. Can the average human lick his own armpit?
Dad>>. Un… [muttering] Yeah!
Gabe>>. Thanks.
Dad>>. So what was that, like a science question?
Gabe>>. Nope.
…………………………..
[doorbell rings]
Te>>. I’ll get it. I’ll get it. I’ll get it. Nobody else get it! Hi!
Sp>>.Hi.
Dad>>. Hi! I’m Teddy’ s dad.
Sp>>. Nice to meet you, sir.
Te>>. Uh, Spencer and I are studying for our biology test tomorrow.
Dad>>. Are you, now?
Te>>. Yes. Yes, we are, so can everyone please leave? Not you.
Dad>>. Teddy?
Te>>. Yeah?
Dad>>. I thought your mom said no study date.
Te>>. Yeah, at the library.
Dad>>. Oh, right. Okay, so then you’ve talked to her about this?
Te>>. Of course I did. I mean, I’m…I’m pretty sure I did. It’s just I talk to so many different people about so many different things.
Sp>>. Why is there a giant bug in your house?
Dad>>. That, my friend, is the Jerusalem Cricket, better known to the layman as the potato bug. I’m an exterminator.
Te>>. Here we go.
Dad>. Hey, have you seen my ad on local cable… “Bob’s bugs be gone”?
Te>>. Yeah, how do we make Bob be gone?
Dad>>. Okay. You’ve got homework to do. I’ve got a diaper to change. Hers… not mine. [chuckles] I ain’t that old! [laughing] I’m gonna be upstairs.
Te>>. Gabe…out.
Gabe>>. Okay, fine. But when’s that hot guy getting here?
Te>>. Out! Kids!
Sp>>. Yeah. Oh man, I left my book at school.
Te>>. Oh, that’s okay, we can just share mine. [giggles] Is that okay?
Sp>>. Perfect.
Te>>. Good, ‘cause I’m all about the learnin’,
Sp>>. Let me just grab a pencil.
Te>>. Oh yeah, I might have one.
Sp>>. [squirts]
Te>>. [sighs] I think I left my pencils at school.
Sp>>. Me too. [blows]
Te>>. [giggles]
PJ over amplifier>>. Ladies and gentlemen! PJ and the Vibe! [dissonant rock music blaring]
Sp>>. Wow, sounds like you live right next door to that weird P.J. kid.
Te>>. Hmm. Yeah. He’s not next door. He’s downstairs… and he’s my brother.
Sp>>. Oh! oh, I’m…I’m sorry.
Te>>. Yeah, me too.
……………………………..
PJ>>. Wait wait wait! Stop stop! Emmett, you were supposed to open with the downbeat.
Dude, I’m percussion, let me “Percush”!
Te>>. For crying out loud, guys!
Emm>>.What’s up?
Te>>. Can you please turn it down? We’re trying to study.
PJ>>. No can do, sis. There’s only one level in Rock’n’ Roll. And that is loud!
[guitar blaring]
Emm>>.Whoa whoa whoa whoa. I think we can accommodate your little sister.
PJ>>. Excuse me. But the band is called P.J. and the Vibe.
Emm>>.So what, the Vibe doesn’t get a say? I…I’m the Vibe. [chuckles]
Te>>. Yeah, I got that.
Emm>>.Oh, so you got my vibe, huh? I’m gonna be over here.
Te>>. Turn it down now.
PJ>>. You will not censor my art. I will not be silent! [dissonant electric guitar blaring]
Te>>. [music stop ]
PJ>>. Hey!
Te>>. If I have come down here again, this gets plugged in somewhere else. Okay?
Emm>>. [snickering] Yo, who’s she up there studying with anyway? Is there a second fine lady in the houses?
PJ>>. Some guy she’s totally into.
Emm>>.I can’t believe she’s cheating on me.
PJ>>. She’s not cheating on you. She barely knows you exist.
Emm>>.No, see, our relationship is just developing slowly.
PJ>>. No, there is no relationship.
Emm>>.Yes, there is.
PJ>>. No, it’s all in your head!
Emm>>.No, it’s not, ‘cause even my mom knows about it.
……………………………….
Te>>. Now, then, where were we? [clears throat] You know, actually, I think you were a little bit closer. All right… cellular respiration.
Sp>>. [yawns] Do you mind?
Te>>. Not at all. While we’re at it…
[ toy squeaks] [R&B music playing]
Gabe>>. What are you doing?
Te>>. Oh! Gabe! What do you want?
Gabe>>. Dinner! Nobody’s fed me all day! And I am still part of this family, right?
Te>>. There’s a half-eaten sandwich in the fridge. Knock yourself out. All right. Now my brothers are all taken care of.
Sp>>. Good.
Te>>. And there will be no more interruptions.
Dad>>. Teddy!
Te>>. Oh, god! What do you want?!
Dad>>. I need you to watch the baby for a sec! Whoa-ho-ho!
Cha>>. [coos]
Te>>. Noooooo!
Sp>>. Noooooo!
Dad>>. Ow! [grunting]
Gabe>>. Mmm!
Dad>>. [sighs] Nobody tells mom!
Te>>. Come here, Charlie.
Cha>>. [chattering]
Te>>. Oh, yes, Charlie’s fine.
Dad>>. Ooh! But I’m not. Uh, Teddy, tell P.J. to fire up the bug truck, I think I gotta go to the hospital. Oh, and Teddy, you’re gonna have to watch the baby.
Te>>. Noooookay!
……………………………..
PJ>>. Relax, we’ll be at the hospital in 10 minutes.
Dad>>. Okay, just please please hurry. Oh, wow! My butt is on fire!
PJ>>. That is so weird! Last week, Emmett and I wrote a song with that exact same title.
Dad>>. That’s great, son. Just please don’t sing…
PJ>>. ♪my butt is on fire!♪
Dad>>. Stop it.
PJ>>. ♪it’s the size of a tire!♪
Dad>>. Stop it.
PJ>>. Punch buggy!
Dad>>. Ow! What are you doing?! Could you drive, please?!
PJ>>. Hey, you want to play license plate game?
Dad>>. No!
PJ>>. Michigan.
………………………….
Te>>. [murmuring baby talk]
Sp>>. Maybe I should go.
Te>>. No! um, she’s almost done with bottle and then she’ll go right to sleep. Then we can studly…I mean study. Now, uh, where were we?
Sp>>. Okay.
Cha>>. [chattering]
Te>>. Yeah.
Sp>>. What is cellular respiration?
Te>>. That’s when glucose and other compounds oxidize to produce chemical energy, water and carbon dioxide.
Sp>>. Mm-mmm.
Cha>>. [passes gas] [chatters]
Te>>. Also known as poop.
………………………………….
Dad>>. Oh, boy.
PJ>>. Hang in there, dad.
Dad>>. Wow! Wow! Wow! Butt fire spreading. Where’s the doctor?
PJ>>. I’ll go see.
Dad>>. Okay, wait wait wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. We don’t want mom to know we’re here, right? So please be careful. Just try and blend in.
PJ>>. [snickers] Dad, come on. It’s hard for this to blend in.
Dad>>. Just figure something out.
PJ>>. “ figure something out.” “ figure something out.” Aha! Mom!
A boy>>. You’re the doctor?
PJ>>. Yes. I am. I am doctor… shh..Chandrasooleewan.
A boy>>. Are you Indian?
PJ>>. We prefer to be called native American.
A boy>>. Are you sure you’re a real doctor? You look kinda young.
PJ>>. [laughs] You sound like my wife. Okay, uh…what seems to be the problem?
A boy>>. I have a fish hook in my lip!
PJ>>. How’d this happen?
A boy>>. My dad is not a very good fisherman.
PJ>>. Hey, mine’s not a very good walking-down-the-stairs man. So…I’m guessing you’re a 97-pounder.
…………………………………
Te>>. ♪ hush, little baby go beddy-bye ♪Teddy wants to kiss a really cute guy. ♪
Sp>>. How’s it going?
Te>>. Well, we’re getting there. [chuckles] [humming]
Emm>>.Well well well. What have we here?
Te>>. Emmett, why are you still here?
Emm>>.Well, I was looking for the kitchen, but I seem to have stumbled upon the
ballroom.
[phone ringing]
Te>>. Hello?
Mrs.Dab>>. Teddy, it’s Mrs. Dabney from next door.
Te>>. No, I have not seen your cat. !
Mrs.Dab>>. I’m calling about your brother; he’s eating me out of house and home. Gabe! Step away from the pie!
Te>>. Okay, I’ll be right there. All right. Spencer, I’ll be back in like two minutes. Don’t go anywhere. Emmett, go somewhere.
Emm>>. So what do you think you’re doing with my girlfriend?
Sp>>. She’s not your girlfriend.
Emm>>. Okay, maybe me and you need to step outside… So you can walk me to my bike.
………………………………
PJ>>. [sighs]
A guy>>. You here to give me my sponge bath?
Mom>>. P.J.?
PJ>>. Hey, mom.
Mom>>. What are you doing here?
PJ>>. I’ll tell you what I’m not doing here… giving sponge baths to big hairy guys. So, mom. What’s… the happs? What’s…
Dad>>. Hey, honey!
Mom>>. Bob!
Dad>>. Nice work, son.
Mom>>. Okay, what’s going on here?
PJ>>. Dad fell down the stairs and broke his butt.
Mom>>. You weren’t holding the baby, were you ?
Dad>>. Um, yes… then no, then yes again.
Mom>>. Bob, you promised me you weren’t gonna drop this one!
Dad>>. Honey, look, it was just a little accident. Oh, and by the way, for the record… an amazing catch!
Mom>>. I knew this was a huge mistake. I never should’ve gone back to work.
Dad>>. Sweetheart, sweetheart, this is all gonna be okay.
Mom>>. No. no, it’s not. It’s too hard. I can’t do this. I mean, what made me think I could go back to work full time and take care of four kids? [crying] I’m a terrible mother.
Dad>>. No no, you’re not. Look, if anything, I’m a horrible father.
Mom>>. I know!
PJ>>. Would you guys chill? You’re great parents. Teddy, Gabe and me turned out pretty good.
Dad>>. Yeah, come on. We’ve got go be doing something right. I mean, hey, look at this… our son’s a doctor.
Mom>>. I’m serious. With both of us working, poor little Charlie doesn’t stand a chance.
PJ>>. Come on, no one’s going solo on this. All us kids are gonna help out. And if Charlie gets a little messed up along the way, we can all share the blame.
Nurse over P.A.>>. Dr. Chandrassoleewan to the operating room.
PJ>>. It never ends!
………………………….
Cha>>. [Coos]
Mrs.Dab>>. Gabe! [snaps]
Te>>. Sorry about that, Mrs. Dabney, but you probably shouldn’t have let him in.
Mrs.Dab>>. I didn’t let him in. he crawled through the cat door.
Te>>. Gabe, is there something you want to say to Mrs. Dabney?
Gabe>>. Yeah. What are you fixing tomorrow night?
Mrs.Dab>>. The cat door. Gonna make sure it’s locked.
Te>>. Okay. I think we’re done here. Good night.
Mrs.Dab>>. It is now.
Te>>. All right, let’s go. What are you doing?
Gabe>>. Oh, so now you’re suddenly interested in me?
Te>>. Gabe, you’re my little brother. I’ve never been interested in you. I’m kidding. What’s going on?
Gabe>>. Ever since the baby arrived, everyone’s been ignoring me.
Cha>>. [coos]
Gabe>>. I felt like I’m invisible. I’m just loser middle kid… like you.
Te>>. Just because I’m a middle kid doesn’t make me a loser.
Gabe>>. Then what does make you a loser?
Cha>>. [giggles]
Te>>. I’m not a loser. Okay? And I was a baby once. And then you came along. And I was not happy about it. But then you peed on P.J. and I thought, “Hey, give the kid a shot.” Look, someday you’re gonna feel the same way about Charlie that I feel about you.
Gabe>>. Well, how do you feel about me?
Te>>. Let’s put it this way… the hottest guy in school is at our house right now, and I’m here with you. look how cute she is.
Gabe>>. [laughing] I am warming up to her already!
……………………………
Te>>. Okay, Charlie’s asleep, Gabe’s playing a video game and we are finally alone.
Dad>>. Hey, everybody! I have a bruised coccyx. [laughs] Oh, come on! That’s a funny word. Coccyx! [laughing]
PJ>>. The doctor gave him pain medication.
[car horn beeps]
Dad>>. Whoa!
Sp>>. Was that me?
Dad>>. Sorry. I’m a little numb down there.
Sp>>. Uh, actually, that’s my ride.
Te>>. Of course it is.
Dad>>. It’s good to meet you, son. Oh, good night, sweetheart.
Sp>>. Good night, sir.
Te>>. Hmm.
[car horn blares]
Sp>>. Good night.
Te>>. Good night.
Dad>>. Coccyx!
……………………………
Te>>. So that’s how dad got my first kiss and how you flew for the first time. But the good news is… nah, there is no good news.
[phone chimes]
Te>>. I take that back! It’s a text from Spencer! He wants to hang out with me tomorrow night… at his house! [giggling] Oh! I’ve gotta go wash your puke out of my jacket. Oh, and, uh, one more thing… when you’re my age and you meet a cute boy, do not, under any circumstances, never ever bring him home. ‘cause if you do, well… [snickers] good luck, Charlie.
………………………………
A guy>>. [moaning] Oh, that’s wonderful. Thank you so much for doing this.
PJ>>. Hey, if I can’t be there for my patients. What kind of pretend doctor am I? So, uh, so you ever think about shaving… like, everywhere?
A guy>>. I did… last week.
PJ>>. Oh.
[phone ringing]
Te>>. Hello?
Mrs.Dab>>. Teddy, it’s Mrs. Dabney from next door.
Te>>. No, I have not seen your cat. !
Mrs.Dab>>. I’m calling about your brother; he’s eating me out of house and home. Gabe! Step away from the pie!
Te>>. Okay, I’ll be right there. All right. Spencer, I’ll be back in like two minutes. Don’t go anywhere. Emmett, go somewhere.
Emm>>. So what do you think you’re doing with my girlfriend?
Sp>>. She’s not your girlfriend.
Emm>>. Okay, maybe me and you need to step outside… So you can walk me to my bike.
………………………………
PJ>>. [sighs]
A guy>>. You here to give me my sponge bath?
Mom>>. P.J.?
PJ>>. Hey, mom.
Mom>>. What are you doing here?
PJ>>. I’ll tell you what I’m not doing here… giving sponge baths to big hairy guys. So, mom. What’s… the happs? What’s…
Dad>>. Hey, honey!
Mom>>. Bob!
Dad>>. Nice work, son.
Mom>>. Okay, what’s going on here?
PJ>>. Dad fell down the stairs and broke his butt.
Mom>>. You weren’t holding the baby, were you ?
Dad>>. Um, yes… then no, then yes again.
Mom>>. Bob, you promised me you weren’t gonna drop this one!
Dad>>. Honey, look, it was just a little accident. Oh, and by the way, for the record… an amazing catch!
Mom>>. I knew this was a huge mistake. I never should’ve gone back to work.
Dad>>. Sweetheart, sweetheart, this is all gonna be okay.
Mom>>. No. no, it’s not. It’s too hard. I can’t do this. I mean, what made me think I could go back to work full time and take care of four kids? [crying] I’m a terrible mother.
Dad>>. No no, you’re not. Look, if anything, I’m a horrible father.
Mom>>. I know!
PJ>>. Would you guys chill? You’re great parents. Teddy, Gabe and me turned out pretty good.
Dad>>. Yeah, come on. We’ve got go be doing something right. I mean, hey, look at this… our son’s a doctor.
Mom>>. I’m serious. With both of us working, poor little Charlie doesn’t stand a chance.
PJ>>. Come on, no one’s going solo on this. All us kids are gonna help out. And if Charlie gets a little messed up along the way, we can all share the blame.
Nurse over P.A.>>. Dr. Chandrassoleewan to the operating room.
PJ>>. It never ends!
………………………….
Cha>>. [Coos]
Mrs.Dab>>. Gabe! [snaps]
Te>>. Sorry about that, Mrs. Dabney, but you probably shouldn’t have let him in.
Mrs.Dab>>. I didn’t let him in. he crawled through the cat door.
Te>>. Gabe, is there something you want to say to Mrs. Dabney?
Gabe>>. Yeah. What are you fixing tomorrow night?
Mrs.Dab>>. The cat door. Gonna make sure it’s locked.
Te>>. Okay. I think we’re done here. Good night.
Mrs.Dab>>. It is now.
Te>>. All right, let’s go. What are you doing?
Gabe>>. Oh, so now you’re suddenly interested in me?
Te>>. Gabe, you’re my little brother. I’ve never been interested in you. I’m kidding. What’s going on?
Gabe>>. Ever since the baby arrived, everyone’s been ignoring me.
Cha>>. [coos]
Gabe>>. I felt like I’m invisible. I’m just loser middle kid… like you.
Te>>. Just because I’m a middle kid doesn’t make me a loser.
Gabe>>. Then what does make you a loser?
Cha>>. [giggles]
Te>>. I’m not a loser. Okay? And I was a baby once. And then you came along. And I was not happy about it. But then you peed on P.J. and I thought, “Hey, give the kid a shot.” Look, someday you’re gonna feel the same way about Charlie that I feel about you.
Gabe>>. Well, how do you feel about me?
Te>>. Let’s put it this way… the hottest guy in school is at our house right now, and I’m here with you. look how cute she is.
Gabe>>. [laughing] I am warming up to her already!
……………………………
Te>>. Okay, Charlie’s asleep, Gabe’s playing a video game and we are finally alone.
Dad>>. Hey, everybody! I have a bruised coccyx. [laughs] Oh, come on! That’s a funny word. Coccyx! [laughing]
PJ>>. The doctor gave him pain medication.
[car horn beeps]
Dad>>. Whoa!
Sp>>. Was that me?
Dad>>. Sorry. I’m a little numb down there.
Sp>>. Uh, actually, that’s my ride.
Te>>. Of course it is.
Dad>>. It’s good to meet you, son. Oh, good night, sweetheart.
Sp>>. Good night, sir.
Te>>. Hmm.
[car horn blares]
Sp>>. Good night.
Te>>. Good night.
Dad>>. Coccyx!
……………………………
Te>>. So that’s how dad got my first kiss and how you flew for the first time. But the good news is… nah, there is no good news.
[phone chimes]
Te>>. I take that back! It’s a text from Spencer! He wants to hang out with me tomorrow night… at his house! [giggling] Oh! I’ve gotta go wash your puke out of my jacket. Oh, and, uh, one more thing… when you’re my age and you meet a cute boy, do not, under any circumstances, never ever bring him home. ‘cause if you do, well… [snickers] good luck, Charlie.
………………………………
A guy>>. [moaning] Oh, that’s wonderful. Thank you so much for doing this.
PJ>>. Hey, if I can’t be there for my patients. What kind of pretend doctor am I? So, uh, so you ever think about shaving… like, everywhere?
A guy>>. I did… last week.
PJ>>. Oh.
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