Episode 1 “ Pilot ”
NICK *(Dad: Walter ,Mom: Andrey)
[playing mellow tune]
Drake>. My name’s Drake Parker.
Josh>. I’m Josh Nichols.
Drake>. I should probably be doing my homework.
Josh >. I’m just doing my homework here.
Drake>. But it’s more fun to do this. [playing guitar riff]
Drake& Josh>. Man, I’m thirsty.
Drake>. Ah.
Josh >. Ah.
Drake>. I live here with my mom and my little sister, Megan.
Josh >. I’ve got a great family, even though it’s just me and my dad. I love that guy.
Drake>. I love girls. So my mom[s been dating this guy.
Josh >. So my dad’s been dating this woman. She’s really great.
Drake>. He’s okay, but he’s got this kid that goes to my school.
Josh >. She has a son that goes to my school. Drake.
Drake>. Josh. It’s not that I have anything against Josh.
Josh >. I really don’t know Drake all that well.
Drake& Josh>. But he seems kind of …
Josh >. Okay.
Drake>. …unusual.
…………………………………………
[quiet moaning]
Drake>. Ugh.
[moaning continues] [blows whistle loudly]
Mom>. Drake!
Drake>. Hey, Mom. Mr. Nichols.
Josh >. What happened? I heard screaming!
Mr. Nichols>. It’s all right, son. There’s nothing to mop here.
Drake>. Josh, w-what are you doing here? What’s he doing here?
Josh >. Tell him.
Mom>. Wait. Uh, Drake, quick, get your sister.
Drake>. Megan!
Megan>. Oh, are they done sucking face yet?
Mom>. Kids, Josh’s Dad and I have been going out for a long time now, and we have some news.
Drake>. You got me a dirt bike?
Mom>. No.
Both>. We’re getting married.
Drake>. Oh… uh…you’re getting mmm… ma…
Dad>. Yeah. We’re going to be one big old happy family.
Drake>. Wait, wait. You mean he’s going to be my-my stepfather?
Dad>. [chuckling]
Drake>. And you! You’re going to be my… he’s going to be my…
Josh >. Hug me, brother!
Drake>. [screaming]
………………………………………
♪I never though that it’d be so simple but ♪I fond a way, I found a way♪If you open up your mind, to see what’s inside♪It’s gonna take some time to realize ♪but if you look inside, I’m sure you’ll find♪over your shoulder you know that I told you I’ll always be picking you up when you’re down♪So just turn around♪Ooh- ooh-ooh- ooh♪
………………………………………
[knocking on door]
Mom>. Drake? Josh is downstairs.
Drake>. Oh, really? ‘cause I was just writing a song about him. It’s called, “I’m not sharing my room with Josh”
Mom>. Look, I know this is going to be a big adjustment. But I need you to give this a chance.
Drake>. But Mom, he’s goofy. He’s clammy.
>. Hiya, Drake.
Drake>. He’s here.
>. I brought you some licorice, the red kind. I know some people like he black kind, but I thought I’d play it safe and…
Drake>. Mom, don’t do this to me.
>. I should have got the black kind, right?
Mom>. Have a good time, boys.
>. Wow, cool room. Ah, and check out the bed!
Drake>. Wait,wait, no, no, no, no, no, No. no no… oh!
>. Dude, these sheets match my jimmies. So where you gonna sleep?
Drake>. There! I sleep there. You sleep on the couch.
>. The couch? Yeah, I don’t know. I have lumber problems.
Drake>. And how much junk did you bring? Eww, who reads the school newspaper?
>. I do. It’s good.
Drake>. It’s stupid. Ooh, look, a poem by Janitor Jones. “The toilet, Don’t Soil It.”
>. That’s clever.
Drake>. Right. Oh, and here’s the worst. Miss Nancy’s advice column. What a load.
>. A load of good. I think Miss Nancy gives great advice.
Drake>. Whatever, man. I’m going to go play some hoops.
>. Uh, Drake, when will you be back?
Drake>. I don’t know. A few hours?
>. Good. I mean, have fun with the hoops and whatnot.
………………………………………
Dad>. Now it’s my turn to kiss you.
Mom>. Now it’s my turn to kiss you.
Drake>. Now it’s my turn to throw up.
Mom>. Don’t you have something to do?
Drake>. Yeah, I’m going to go play some ball.
Mom>. Did you ask your brother if he wants to play?
Drake>. You know, mom, I don’t really think Josh is the basketball type.
Dad>. Sure he is. Yeah, I taught him myself. Here, toss me the rock. Think fast.
Drake>. Lamps don’t think that fast.
Mom>. Just go ask Josh to play.
………………………………………
Drake>. Hey, Josh, you don’t want to go play any basket… ball!
Both>.[screaming]
Drake>. Oh, my god!
>. I can explain!
Drake>. Oh, my god!
>. I can explain!
Drake>. Mom! Josh is dressed like a freak!
>. I can explain!
Drake>. Why are you dressed like queen Latifah?
>. Because I… I… oh, I can’t tell you.
Drake>. Mom, Josh is dressed like… !
>. Shh! All right! I’ll tell you, but you’ve got to swear to keep it a secret.
Drake>. Fine, I swear. Now talk.
>. All right. I’m, uh… I’m… Miss… (mumbles)
Drake>. What?
>. I’m Miss Nancy, okay? I am Miss Nancy.
Drake>. Wait. From the advice column? Fr…from the school newspaper? You’re Miss Nancy?
>. Yes.
Drake>. (laughing)
>. Quit laughing. Being Miss Nancy is very important to me. I help people with their problems.
Drake>. You can’t help people by wearing pants?
>. You don’t understand. I need the dress. I…I can’t write good advice unless I’m wearing it.
Drake>. You want some good advice? Stop dressing like a lady.
>. If dressing like a lady helps me help others, then dress like a lady I shall.
Drake>. “Dear Miss Nancy…”
>. Hey, give me that.
Drake>. “My boyfriend doesn’t understand me. He’s never romantic. I wish he would just bring me flowers or write me poems or cook me romantic dinners. ”
>. That’s for Miss Nancy only.
Drake>. Wait a second. Purple ink? Dots her i’s with little hearts? This letter is from Tiffany Margolas. (inhales deeply)
Josh >. Quit sniffing my mail!
Drake>. Dude, Tiffany Margolas is, like, the hottest girl in school. Hey… she’s not happy with her boyfriend.
Josh >. What are you thinking? What are you thinking?!
Drake>. Poor Tiffany. So sad… so lonely… so hot. Yeah, I think I can’t help her.
Josh >. No. No, I’m not going to let you use my letters for your own selfish desires.
Drake>. Fine. Then I’ll just tell the whole world that my new stepbrother, Josh Nichols, is the real, live, Miss Nancy.
Josh >. You’re not that evil.
Drake>. People of the world, listen up! Josh Nichols is Miss… (grunts) Ahhh! My spine! My spine!
Josh >. You can’t tell people I’m Miss Nancy. You’ll ruin everything.
Drake>. Fine, then don’t stop me from helping Tiffany. Deal?
Josh >. All right.
Drake>.all right?
Josh >. All right.
Drake>. Are those real?
Josh >. Stop that.
………………………………………
(bell rings)
Drake>. Beauty, beauty… rhymes with snooty? Um… fruity. No . Beauty, beauty.
Tiffany>. What are you writing?
Drake>. Oh, nothing. Just a… poem.
Tiffany>. You write poetry?
Drake>. I know it’s dumb.
Tiffany >. No, no, I don’t… I don’t think it’s dumb at all. Is this for a class?
Drake>. No, it’s for a person.
Tiffany >. Oh.
Drake>. Well, it would be for a person if I had a person for it to be for.
Tiffany >. Oh…
Drake>. Yeah, well, I should go. I’ve got to go download a recipe off the internet.
Tiffany >. A recipe? You cook?
Drake>. When I’m not picking flowers. Listen, uh…
Tiffany >. Tiffany.
Drake>. Drake. I don’t know if you’re doing anything Friday night…
Tiffany >. I’m not.
Drake>. Really? Uh, maybe I could cook you some dinner
Tiffany >.That would be… nice.
Drake>. So it’s a date?
Tiffany >. So, it is.
Drake>. Cool.
( bell rings )
Tiffany >. See ya.
Drake>. That was too easy.
Josh>. Evil! Evil!
…………………………………
Mr. Nichols>. Drake, Josh, your dinner’s on the table.
Drake>. Okay.
Josh>. Thanks.
………………………
Josh>. No way.
Drake>. Look, what’s the whole reason you do your Miss Nancy advice column, huh?
Josh >. To help people with their problems, and[or issues.
Drake>. So, if buy Tiffany some flowers, write he a couple poems and cook her a nice, romantic dinner, that will solve her problem, won’t it?
Josh >. Wait. You know how to cook?
Drake>. Nope. But I hear you do.
Josh >. No! No. No, sir, I’m not cooking dinner for Tiffany.
Drake>. I know who Miss Nancy is! I know who Miss Nancy is!
Josh >. Okay, all right! I’ll cook the dinner. Aw, you hand licker.
Drake>. Come on, let’s eat.
(both screaming)
(both screaming)
Josh >. That’s mine, that’s mine!
(glass breaks)
Drake>. The hose!
Josh >. What hose?!
Drake>. The hose!
Josh >. What hose?!
Drake>. The window!
Both>. Ow, ow.
………………………………………
Tiffany >. Drake, this ravioli is amazing. What’s it called?
Drake>. Oh, well, you know… it’s… it’s ravioli from a… (mumbles)
Tiffany >. I never heard of it.
Drake>. Neither have I.
Tiffany >. Who’s that?
Drake>.Josh!
Josh >. Hi. Hi.
Tiffany >. I know you. You go to our school, right?
Josh >. Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Drake>.Uh, actually we’re stepbrothers, and Josh isn’t supposed to be here right now.
Josh >. I can’t stay in the kitchen forever.
Drake>. Why not?
Josh >. I have to use the little boy’s room.
Drake>. There’s a sink in the kitchen.
Tiffany >. Josh, did you try some of this ravioli that Drake made? It’s incredible.
Josh >. Oh, is it? Now tell me, Drake, how do you make it?
Drake>. You know, it’s really time for dessert. Tiffany, I’ll take your plate.
Tiffany >. You know, your stepbrother is really something.
Josh >. Yeah, he’s something.
Tiffany >. I mean, he’s so sensitive, you know? The flowers, the poetry, this awesome dinner. I mean my boyfriend never does any f this stuff.
Josh >. I know. I mean, I know what you mean.
(knocking)
Tiffany >. Who’s that?
Josh >. I don’t know.
(banging on door)
Josh >. All right, all right, I’m coming.
Tiffany >. Buck!
Buck>. So, it’s true.
Josh >. What? That I have a concussion?
Buck>. I turn my back for five minutes and you’re out on a date with…with this clown?
Josh >. Trouble… breathing.
Tiffany >. I can date whoever I want.
Buck>. Yeah? Well, you can’t date a guy with no head.
Josh>. (whimpering)
Buck>. You’re hamburger meat. You understand me?
Josh >. But I’m a vegetarian.
Buck>. Monday, 3:00, you and me. Have an ambulance ready.
Tiffany >. That was so romantic.
Drake >. And dessert is here. Josh, u thought you had to pee.
Josh>. Done.
………………………………
Josh>. How could you get me into a fight with Buck?
Drake >. Oh, this is my fault?
Josh >. Oh, let me think. Yes. You realize he’s going to destroy me.
Drake >. He’s not going to destroy you.
Josh >. He’s huge, and stupid. That’s a bad combination.
Drake >. You’re right he’s going to kill you. Hey, can I have your computer?
Josh >. Oh. I can’t fight Buck. He’ll hurt me in so many ways. What am I going to do?
Drake >. I got it.
…………………………………
(karate yells) (speaking Japanese)
Drake >. Uh, hey, dude.
Karate Sensei>. (yells) Take a break. How can I help you?
Josh >. I need you to make me an expert in karate by tomorrow.
Karate Sensei>. (cackling) Gentlemen! To learn karate, it takes years of intense training.
Drake> yeah, but can’t you just give him the one day crash course?
Karate Sensei>. No. Karate is in here. Not in here. Sometimes in here. One time in here. But that was after I swallowed a box of thumbtacks. What? Do I have soothing in my teeth?
Josh >. No. Look, I’ve got 48 hours. You going to teach me karate or not?
Karate Sensei>. I am sorry, boys. I can do nothing for you in so little time.
Drake>. We’ll give you 30 bucks cash.
Karate Sensei>. Let the training begin. (yells)
Both>. Ahhh.
………………………………
♪I’ve been knocked down before♪Ooh♪wrestling on the floor♪Now I’m coming back for more♪Ooh♪They’re knocking on the door♪This time, I’m going to get up. I’m going to stick it out. This time I’m going to get up for it. I’m gonna run, gonna run, gonna run it out.♪You know I’ve been knocked down before♪Ooh♪wrestling on the floor♪And I’m coming back for more♪Ooh♪Yeah, I’m knocking on the door♪This time, I’m going to get up for it.
I’m going to stick it out. This time, I’m going to get up for it…♪
>. Yeah, what’s up? Who’s the little girl now? I did it. Thanks, Drake.
Drake>. I’m not comfortable with the hugging.
>. Sorry.
Drake>. So you think he’s ready?
Karate Sensei>. As ready as 30 bucks will get him.
>. All right.
Karate Sensei>. So, you boys like chicken tenders?
………………………………
(bell rings)
Drake>. How you feel?
>. Good, strong. (karate yell)
Drake>. Don’t get overconfident. This guy is big, tough and stupid. So remember the plan.
>. Right. Go over it again?
Drake>. You jab, you kick, and you stay away from him. Make him keep coming after you. eventually he’ll get tired and then you’ll…
>. (karate yell)
Drake>. That’s my boy. You ready?
>. You bet.
Drake>. Good. Here comes Buck.
Buck>. I hope you have an ambulance standing by.
>. Yeah, I do. For you.
(crowd hooting )
Buck>. Talk’s cheap. (or Quadlers)
A student>. 40 Quatloos on the newcomer.
Drake>. Remember the plan.
>. Right. I jab, o punch and stay away from him until he gets tired. And then he’s my little girl. ( karate yell)
Drake>. Do it.
Buck>. You ready?
>. Oh, yeah, baby. Come on, let’s do this. Let’s go…
Buck>. Come on, Tiff. Let’s go get some sorbet.
Tiffany >. Oh, Buck.
………………………………………
>. Where is it?! Where’d you put it?!
Drake>. I thought you weren’t ever talking to me again.
>. I have to write my Miss Nancy column. Now where is my dress?
Drake>. I hid it.
>. That’s it. You are the worst stepbrother ever.
Drake>. Ooh. Harsh. I’m going to go make myself a sandwich.
>. You give me my dress. Or I will unleash $30 worth of karate on you.
Drake>. No.
>. Man!
Drake>. Look, I’m trying to do something nice for you. You said yourself, you hated dressing up like a woman.
>. So?
Drake>. So you don’t need the dress to give good advice.
>. I told you, I do.
Drake>. You don’t.
>. Give me my dress!
Drake>. No.
>. Give it!
Drake>. No.
>. Drake
Drake>. Question. If somebody told you that they had to wear a dress to give good advice, what would you say?
>. I don’t know.
Drake>. What would you say?
>. Drake, I…
Drake>. What would you say?
>. I’d say that’s ridiculous! I’d say good advice comes from the heart and from what’s inside you, not the clothes you wear.
Drake>. That’s stupid.
>. It’s not stupid.
Drake>. Yeah, it is. That’s stupid advice.
>. It’s good advice.
Drake>. I’m sorry, what’s you say?
>. I said it’s good advice.
Drake>. Well, guess what, Josh? Look like you just gave some good advice. And I don’t see you wearing ant dress.
>. Holy… You’re right.
Drake>. I know.
>. I gave good advice while wearing pants.
Drake>. Praise be the pants.
>. I never have to dress like a freakish man-lady again. Ah, Drake! Sorry! I forgot you’re not comfortable with the hugging.
Drake>. Thanks. Look, man, I… I’m sorry I got you into this whole thing with Buck and the black eye and…
>. It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean to. And listen, um… Sorry that I said you were a bad stepbrother. I didn’t mean that. We sill friends?
Drake>. Friends? No way, man. We’re brothers.
>. May I ?
Drake>. Hug me, brother.
……………………………
Buck>. I can’t believe you went on a date with a wimp like that.
Tiffany >. Oh, I wasn’t on a date with him. I was on a date with him.
Drake>. Oh, Buck. Buck, Buck, it was nothing. It was…it was…
(bell rings)
>. Is he tired yet?
……………………………
