Josh>. Get this: Drake says I have “Bad luck.”
Drake>. I say Josh has bad luck. You know way?
Josh>. I do not have bad luck.
Drake>. ‘cause he has bad luck.
Josh>. Any time something terrible happens to me? It’s ‘cause of Drake.
Drake>. But Josh blames alllll his problems on me.
Josh>. Like…why did I get good poisoning? Drake forgot to refrigerate the clams（ハマグリ、二枚貝）.
Drake>. And he gives me no credit for（～を認めて褒める、おかげ） the nice stuff I do for him.
Josh>. Why do I have foot burns? Drake accidentally set my socks on fire.
Drake>. Like his desk lamp. It was flickering（ちらつく）, right? So I fixed the switch.
Josh>. Well, I better get started on my homework. Blblblblblbl!
Drake>. I just think Josh needs to appreciate me a little more, ya know? ‘cause if you ask me, his life is way more fun when I’m around. I mean, I’m not asking for like a pat on the back （褒められる）every day, but, you know, I just think he could give me how and then. You know? I mean, come on.
Josh>. [muttering（つぶやく、ボソボソ、ゴロゴロ）]
Drake>. I like juice.
…………………………
Josh>. [snoring]
both>. ♪for it’s your happy good birthday, for it’s your happy good birthday, for it’s your happy good biiiirth-dayyyyy…happy birthday to you… Josh♪
Josh>. Aw, you guys remembered. Wow, it’s early.
>. Yeah, well, we were heading down to the botanical（植物の） garden center. On Saturdays they let you in for half price if you get there before 9:00.
>>. Petunias（ペチュニア）, here we come!
>. Oh, hey! Did you get tickets to see Oprah?
Josh>. No. They sold out in like less than an hour.
>. Aw. Well, maybe she’ll come back to San Diego again some time.
>>. I doubt that.
>. No one needs your negativity.
>>. You sang flat.
>. You wanna pop in the chops?
Josh>. Guys, guts, guys, guys! Come on! No fighting on Joshie’s birthday.
>>. He’s right. Come on, let’s go see those petunias.
>. OK! Oh, hey, Drake.
>>. Hey, Drake.
Drake>. Who let you guys in our house?
>. Megan opened the door and told us that we could…
……………
Josh>. So. Uh… how was your shower?
Drake>. Fine. Wet.
Josh>. Um, so… how come（＝why） you’re up and dressed so early?
Drake>. Because today is a very special day.
Josh>. I know.
Drake>. See? Check it out.
Josh>. Guitar would free give-away（景品、無料サンプル）?
Drake>. Yeah. You see, the first 50 people who buy somethin’ from there get a free set of bongo drums.
Josh>. Oh.
Drake>. Yeah. That after that, I’m gonna pick up Tabitha and take her to lunch. You know, things are gettin’ pretty serious between me and her.
Josh>. You’ve been dating her since Tuesday.
Drake>. I know. See ya!
Josh>. Wait, wait, wait, Drake.
Drake>. What?
Josh>. isn’t there something you wanna say to me?
Drake>. Uh…yeah. You have a little dried drool（よだれ） on your chin there.
Josh>. He forgot my birthday. Ohh, that is dried drool.
……………………………………
♪Well, I never though that it’d be so simple but ♪I fond a way, I found a way♪If you open up your mind, (to see what’s inside)♪It’s gonna take some time to realize ♪but if you look inside, I’m sure you’ll find♪over your shoulder you know that I told you I’ll always be picking you up when you’re down♪So just turn around♪Ooh- ooh-ooh- ooh♪
……………………………………..
video game>. [squeaking]
Josh>. Hey, Meg.
Meg>. Hey. Happy birthday.
Josh>. You remembered?
Meg>. ‘course. Why wouldn’t I?
Josh>. Drake forgot.
Meg>. And you’re surprised? His brain’s like a black hole. Stuff keeps getting sucked in（吸い込まれる）and nothing ever comes out.
Josh>. Yeah, I guess.
Meg>. Here… I got somethin’ that’ll cheer you up?
Josh>. What?
Meg>. Ta-da.
Josh>. You made me a birthday cake?
Meg>. Uh-huh. Mom gave me the recipe. I think it turned out（結果になる） pretty good. There.
Josh>. Wow. This is really… it’s full of poison, isn’t it?
Meg>. No!
Josh>. What then? Huh? huh? huh? Hot sauce? Some kind of extreme laxative（下剤）?
Meg>. Oh, come on. I wouldn’t let you eat a cake that’d make you sick on your birthday.
Josh>. I’m sorry.
Meg>. It’s OK. Make a wish.
Josh>. All right!
Meg>. I didn’t say it wouldn’t explode.
Josh>. I don’t blame（責める） you so much for doing it as I blame myself for not anticipating（予想） it.
Meg>. I gotta check on Toby.
Josh>. Who’s Toby?
Meg>. He’s a virtual pet. I’m watching him for my friend Jamie while she’s at bassoon camp.
Josh>. Why didn’t she take Toby with her?
Meg>. ‘cause he’s a lotta work. You have to feed him ,walk him, groom him, and play with him or else （さもないと）he’ll die.
Josh>. Cool. Can I see it?
Meg>. No, he doesn’t like men… or whatever you are.
>.[tapping]
Josh>. What is that?
Meg>. Drake. He’s upstairs playing with his new bongos.
Josh>. Him and those stupid hippie drums. I’m gonna go talk to him.
Meg>. Aw, Toby, not on the virtual couch.
……………………………..
Drake>. OK, name it.
>. Uh…zero gravity（無重力）… over my thumb?
Drake>. Oh, yeah. All right. See if you can get this one.
>. Hey, hey,hey! Dude, I gotta clean up my room or my mom’s gonna kill me.
Drake>. Oh, OK. But don’t forget… you gotta（しなくちゃ）get to the Premiere early tonight for the party.
>. Why early?
Drake>. Because it’s a surprise. We gotta get everything set up.
>. OK.
Drake>. OK. Later.
Josh>. Hey, what’s going on?
Drake>. Nothing. What’s up with the, um…
Josh>. Megan.
Drake>. Ahh. Hey, are you doin’ anything tonight?
Josh>. Uh… no. No plans.
Drake>. Good, why don’t you show up to（姿を現す）the Premiere tonight around 8:00?
Josh>. Uh, sure.
Drake>. Cool. See ya there.
Josh>. ♪He remembered… my birthday… Drake’s gonna throw（催す、開く）me a big birthday…I can’t wait to go!♪
……………………………………..
Josh>. Hey!
>. Hi. Josh.
Josh>. Ha ha! Hey, how are you, buddy? Hey, Jess, thanks for coming. Al, means a lot（ありがたい）. Stevie! Got your hair cut. Liked it better the old way, but you’re a good guy.
Josh>. Drake, man. I mean, his party… it’s really nice of you.
Drake>. Thanks.
Josh>. Yeah, I mean, I almost thought you forg…
>. She’s coming in!
Drake>. Ooh, hide, hide! Everybody, hide!
Josh>. Why is everybody hiding? I’m already here.
Drake>. Get down!
Drake>. Now!
Everyboody>. Surprise!
Tabitha >>. Oh, my god! How did you guys know it was my birthday? Drake, you’re the best!
Drake>. Aw, happy birthday, baby.
Josh>. Hey, what? You threw this whole surprise birthday party for Tabitha? A girl you five days ago?
Drake>. Well, yeah, why?
Josh>. Nothin’. Forget it.
Drake>. Where ya goin’?
Josh>. Home.
Tabitha>. Who’s that guy?
Drake>. It was my brother, Josh.
Tabitha>. Well, he’s lucky hen ‘canse he has the sweetest, most thoughtful brother in the whole entire world.
Helen>. Ahem! Ahem! Don’t make me turn the hose on you children.
Drake>. Ooh, sorry.
Helen>. Hey, you know where Josh sent? I wanna give him this birthday present.
Drake>. Oh, no, no, it’s Tabitha’s birthday today.
Tabitha>. Hey.
Helen>. Oh. well, according to my clipboard here, today’s Josh’s birthday too.
Drake>. What?
Helen>. Yeah, the clipboard does not lie.
Drake>. Oh, my god. Tabitha, I’m sorry, I gotta go fix somethin’ , OK?
Tabitha>. Sure.
Helen>. I bought him one of those electric nose-hair trimmers.
Tabitha>. A nose-hair trimmer?
Helen>. Yeah. Josh needs one, not me though. My nostrils are naturally hairless because I have a condition called Nostropecia. Yeah, you will not find one hair in this nose, on account of the Nostropecia.
Tabitha>. I’m gonna go get some punch.
Helen>. All right then.
……………………………….
Josh>. Stupid Drake. Forgets my birthday. Stupid Tabitha. Stupid soy milk.
Toby>. [yipping]
Josh>. Will you shut that dumb virtual pet up, please?!
Meg>. Like I’m not trying?! This thing won’t let me sleep.
Josh>. Then yank out the batteries and just turn it off.
Meg>. I can’t. If I let Toby die, Janie’ll never talk to me again.
Josh>. Well, maybe you’d be better off!
Meg>. Huh?
Josh>. Who needs people in their life? You know, they just hurt. OK? They borrow your money without asking, they spill iced coffee all over your fresh underpants and I’m like, dude…
Meg>. OK, who puked you off?
Josh>. Drake, that’s who! OK, he forges my birthday, but then he throws a huge surprise birthday party for his fluffy new girlfriend that he’s known for five days!
Meg>. Look, I know how bad you must feel right now, but tomorrow morning, I guarantee you’ll feel much worse.
Josh>. That doesn’t make me feel any better.
Meg>. I know. ‘night.
Toby>. [yipping]
Meg>. Quiet, Toby! Man!
Drake>. Josh!
Josh>. I’m not speaking to you.
Drake>. Look, I’m sorry I forgot your birthday.
Josh>. Well, sorry doesn’t sweeten my tea!
Drake>. One more time?
Josh>. Just don’t talk to me!
Drake>. If you’ll just let me show you something, I’m sure it’ll cheer you up,
Josh>. I’ve seen the birthmark on your back, Drake. It does not look like a giraffe raking leaves!
Drake>. No, not that. These.
Josh>. Yeah? What is this, huh? What are you…ohhhh! Ohhhh! Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh! You got me tickets to Oprah!
Drake>. Hug me, brother.
Josh>. How’d you do this?! I mean, Oprah’s only going to be in San Diego for one day! These are impossible to get!
Drake>. Well, you know he guy who plays bass in my band?
Josh>. Julio?
Drake>. Yeah. Well, Julio’s dad is the sound mixer down at Radcliff studios where Oprah’s going to be doin’ the show.
Josh>. Get out!
Drake>. Yeah, so I went down to Julio’s house, talked to his dad, got the tickets…ohh! And, uh… backstage passes!
Josh>. Aaaahhhhh!
Drake>. Ya love me again?
Josh>. Love you?!
Camera>. [beeps]
Meg>. OK. This is so going on the internet.
……………………………..
Josh>. You think I might actually get to speak to Oprah?
Drake>. Maybe.
Josh>. I can’t stand it!
Drake>. All right. Well, chill out, dude, OK? You know, celebrities don’t like it when ppl(people) get all spazzy(ばかな、ださい). Hey, park there.
Josh>. No. I wanna find a spot closer to the door.
Drake>. Why?
Josh>. ‘cause if we park far away, then we might have to walk too far and I could get sweaty, and I will not meet Oprah with pit stains.
Drake>. Just park the car already.
Josh>. Would you let go of my wheel?
Drake>. Just park…
Josh>. Come on!
Drake>. Hey, watch it! Watch it!
>. Aah!
Josh>. Ohh! Ohh!
>. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oprah! Somebody call or help!
>.[screaming]
Josh>. I ran over Oprah!
………………………………..
Josh>. This is my worst birthday ever.
Drake>. ‘cause you ran over Oprah?
Josh>. No, because it’s a little humid. Yes, because I ran over Oprah! Uh…excuse me, sir? I was just wondering, is Oprah gonna be… you know, OK?
>. I’m afraid not, son.
Josh>. Oh, no.
>. Ah, I’m just messin’ with ya. She’ll be fine. Just a few cuts and bruises.
>>. Here’s my number.
Drake>. Oh, thanks. And you’ll definitely be the first person I call if ever get in an accident.
Josh>. You’re picking up in girls when I just t-boned my favorite talk show host?
Drake>. Hey, at last you got to meet her.
Josh>. No, no, no. the grill of my car got to meet her, OK? Ohhh, I’m gonna be in so much trouble.
Drake>. No, no, chill out, OK? Her assistant said she’s not gonna press charges, so, you know, everything’s fine.
Josh>. No, no, OK? No. Everything is not fine. OK? I can never watch Oprah again ‘cause all I’m gonna be able to do is think about how much she must hate me for almost killing her!
Drake>. OK,OK. Look, this ambulance says mercy hospital.
Josh>. Yes, yes, yes. We all know that you can read at a third grade level. OK? So?
Drake>. So, we go there, we find Oprah’s room, and you apologize to her.
Josh>. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s good.
Drake>. See? No worries.
>. Excuse me? Are you the young man who ran over Oprah?
Drake>. Oh, no, that’s my brother, Josh.
>. He’s the one!
Josh>. [screaming]
……………………………..
>. All right, al right, all members of the press are going to have to wait in the hospital parking lot. We can’t have you crowding up the hallways by Oprah’s room. Please. Go.
Drake>. All right. Now’s our chance. You ready to meet Oprah?
Josh>. How are we gonna get past those goons?
Drake>. Apparently, you’ve forgotten I’m Drake. Hey, how ya going? I was just wonderin’ if it’s OK if my brother Josh and I go in and say a quick hello to Oprah. You know, Winfrey? Is that…is that OK? Come on.
[fizzling]
Drake>. Aah! Did you just stun me?! All I did was ask if I could say hello…aah! Dude!
Josh>. Drake, Drake, are you all right?!
Drake>. I don’t know!
Josh>. You know, if your friend over here has a problem with my brother, he should politely say to him, look, I don’t…
[fizzling]
Josh>. Waaaaa! What was that for?!
Drake>. You OK?
Josh>. I don’t know!
Drake>. This is not cool. All we want to do is say hello to Oprah for one…
[fizzling]
Drake>. Aaahh!
Josh>. You guys are just mean, OK! And if Oprah knew that you guys were doing this…
[fizzling]
Josh>. Aaahhh!
Drake>. We’re gonna go.
Josh>. Good day. That really hurt.
Drake>. It’s all right, man. I have another idea.
Josh>. Maybe we should just go home.
Drake>. No! I told you I was gonna get you to meet Oprah. Now I’m gonna.
Josh>. How are we gonna get past all these people?
Drake>. Flesh-eating virus! This kid has a flesh-eating virus and it is very, very contagious!
Josh>. Oh, my flesh!
Drake>. Clear the area! Quickly! A flesh-eating virus!
Josh>. Aah!
Drake>. Go quickly, lady.
Josh>. Oh, my flesh! Oh, that was nice.
Drake>. Uh-huh. Now, I believe you have a date with Oprah.
Josh>. My hair! Oh, thank you.
Nurse>. That’s him! That’s the boy with the flesh-eating virus!
Dr.>. The one with the big head?
Nurse>. Yes!
Josh>. OK, it’s not that big, first of all. And whoa! Wait, wait! Drake! No, I’m feeling better! Wait, Drake! Help!
Dr.>. We gotta dip this man in a chemical bath! Stat!
Josh>. Chemical bath?!
Dr>. Stat!
Josh>. What?! What?!
Drake>. Hey, mashed potatoes.
…………………………..
Meg>. Aah!
Drake>. Aw, my bongos.
Meg>. Toby’s dying!
Drake>. What, your virtual pet thingy?
Meg>. Yes! I fell asleep for like 45 minutes and now he’s dehydrated!
Toby>. [yipping]
Meg>. You don’t know what dehydrated means, do you?
Drake>. No.
Meg>. He’s dying of thirst.
Drake>. What dies of thirst in 45 minutes?
Meg>. Apparently Toby! Ah, you’re useless. Come on Toby, live! Live!
Drake>. Hey, man.
Josh>. Hey, man?!
Drake>. Hey. Man.
Josh>. You left me at the hospital o be chemically bathed!
Drake>. Oh, yeah, how’d that go?
Josh>. Oh, actually, it was quite soothing, especially the part where they…it was horrible!
Drake>. OK. What up with the “tude?
Josh>. Do you know what it’s like to have an involuntary chemical bath?! It stings! Everywhere!
Drake>. All right. Look, tell you what. I’m gonna make it up to you, OK?
Josh>. No! OK? No, you’re not! ‘cause that’s when the badness happens! The only time you ever do anything nice for me is after you’ve caused me some kind of physical damage or emotional distress! You are never gonna make up anything to me ever again!
Drake>. Wait. Do this sound OK to you? Would you bring me the hot glue gun?
Josh>. Not really!
……………………………….
Josh>. Helen! Helen! Helen! Helen! I got here as fast as I could. You need me to unclog the butter hose?
Helen>. Josh, here’s no clog in the butter hose.
Josh>. But you just text messaged me… there was a huge clog in…
Everybody>. Surprise!
Drake>. Happy birthday, man.
Josh>. Drake, I can’t believe you did this for me. This is for me, right?
Drake>. Yes. And there’s more. Mom and dad got a call from Oprah’s lawyer.
Josh>. Her lawyer?
Drake>. Yeah, I guess she’s kinda peeved that you ran her over. Look what they sent to the house.
Josh>. A restraining order?
Drake>. Yeah. It says by law, you can’t get within 300 feet of Oprah.
Josh>. And why is this happy news?
Drake>. Check the signature at the bottom.
Josh>. [gasps] Oprah Winfrey. She signed it!
Drake>. Yep.
Josh>. I got an autograph from Oprah! Yeah!
[cheering]
Drake>. Look, man, I’m really sorry I forgot your birthday.
Josh>. It’s OK.
Drake>. No, It’s not. So, I gotcha somethin’ special.
Josh>. Dude, you didn’t have to…
Drake>. Just wait.
Josh>. Craig, Eric, come here. How cool is that? I think I’m gonna put it over my bed.
[beep beep]
Josh>. [gasps]
Drake>. Happy birthday!
Josh>. You got me a vepper?! Dude, how’d you afford… dad’s credit card.
Drake>. Yeah.
Josh>. You’re the best.
Drake>. I know. Well, come on. Hop on. See how she feels.
Josh>. Well, OK! Ohh…ohh! This thing’s awesome! Now, how do you… uh-oh!
Helen>. Aah!
[beep beep]
……………………………………….
