Episode 18 "The Gary Grill"
NICK
Drake>>You know, they said the best things in the life is free.
Josh>>A lot of people tell you money isn’t important.
Both>>They’re lying.
Drake>>OK, there maybe things that are more important than money.
Josh >>Money isn’t everything.
Drake>>But without money… Hey. Whoa. What’s happening with my box? It’s getting way too small.
Josh >>Ok, why am I in a triangle? Hello?
Drake>>Can we increase the size of my box, please?
Josh >>Can I go back to a square or a rectangle?
Drake>>Ok, now I’m am too big.
Josh >>I’m upside down here.
Drake>>A little smaller?
Josh >>Blood rushing to my head.
Drake>>What is going on?
Josh >>I think we’re having a technical glitch.
Megan>>What’s up, brothers?
Drake>>Megan, get off the screen.
Josh >>Hey, she’s got the video effects box.
Drake>>That’s figures.
Megan>>Let’s see what this thing can do.
Drake& Josh>>No! Megan! Do not touch! (speaking indistinctly)
Megan>>How cool is this thing?
Josh
>>All right, Megan, you’re in big trouble.
Drake>>Yeah, wait until we tell mom what you d(id it)…
Megan>>It’s good being me.
……………………………………………………
Josh >. Hi. Can I help you?
A customer >. Uh, yeah. Could I just get a…
Drake>. Josh, check his out.
Josh>. Drake, I’m with a customer.
Drake>. So? This is important.
Josh>. Excuse me. What?
Drake>. Look. [kissing] The Gummi Bears are making out. Dude, you slapped my bears.
Josh>. And you made my customer leave.
Drake>. Who cares?
Josh>. I do. Hellman’s been all over my butt to sell more snacks.
Drake>. Uh, you know, you really shouldn’t use the words “butt” and “snacks” in the same sentence.
Josh>. Headaches.
Drake>. All right. You want to sell some more snacks? Here. I’ll help you with this lady.
Josh>. What do you mean…
Drake>. Shh.
A lady>. Hello. How small is your smallest popcorn?
Josh>. Uh…
A lady>. No, no. that’s huge. I could never digest that much corn.
Drake>. But haven’t you read the medical report that says popcorn is good for senior citizens?
Josh>. Oh, yeah! The medical report that said popcorn helps the elderly… not die!
Drake>. Right.
A lady>. Well, I do enjoy living. One large popcorn, please.
Josh>. Yes, ma’am.
Drake>. And you want a soda, right?
A lady>. Oh, no, no, no. I don’t believe in liquids.
Drake>. But, ma’am, you’re going to have to drink something, or else, uh, you know…
Josh>. Well, the popcorn might clog your… farfoligus valve.
Drake>. Ooh, yeah. Farfoligus valve. You don’ want that clogged.
A lady>. You know, I think that’s how Henry went. Very well. I sill take your largest cup of pop.
Josh>. Excellent.
A lady>. Oh, no. Thank you for the gift of life .
A salesman>. Hey. You guys are pretty good salesmen.
Drake>. Thanks.
Josh>. We try.
Buddy>. My name’s Buddy. This is Guy.
Drake>. What’s going on?
Josh>. What’s up?
Buddy>. How’d you guys like to use those sales skills to make a little extra cash?
Drake>. Uh, what do you mean?
Guy>. Show ‘em, Buddy.
Buddy>. Ahh.
Josh>. A grill? It’s kind of small.
Guy>. It’s a Gary Coleman Grill.
Buddy>. Cooks one hamburger at a time.
Guy>. Or a pork chop.
Buddy>. Or a steak.
Guy>. Any meat, really. It’s perfect for a bachelor.
Buddy>. Bachelorette.
Guy>. Anyone who likes to cook.
Buddy>. Or eat.
Guy>. Or listen to music.
Drake>. What?
Josh>. Huh?
Buddy>. It also has a built-in MP3 player.
Guy>. So you can cook some meat and listen to some tunes.
Drake>. Wait. So they combined a grill with an MP3 player?
Josh>. Finally! I’ll take 2.
Buddy>. Oh, no, no, no. we’re not trying to sell you one. We want you guys to sell them. Each one is $39.95. for every one you sell, you keep 20%.
Guy>. Interested?
[stammering]
Drake>. Perhaps, but let me discuss it with my associate. Back in a second.
Josh>. What do you think?
Drake>. Well, let’s see. Each grill is about 40 bucks, right? We keep 20% of every one we sell. Makes… $800 a grill.
Josh>. Move your decimal.
Drake>. Oh, right, right. $8,000 a grill!
Josh>. Oh, $8.00 a grill! But ..but still, if we sold, like, 100 grills a week…
Drake>. We’d make a fortune, right?
Josh>. Yeah, we would!
Drake>. Awesome.
Guy>. Well ?
Josh>. Ok.
Drake>. We’re in.
Guy>. All right. Cool. Why don’t you meet us in the parking lot in about 15 minutes?
Buddy>. We’ll start you guys off with 100 grills.
Josh>. Awesome.
Drake>. All right.
A lady>. Excuse me. Excuse me. That medical report that you boys mentioned. Did it say anything about nachos?
……………………………………………
♪I never though that it’d be so simple but ♪I fond a way, I found a way♪If you open up your mind, to see what’s inside♪It’s gonna take some time to realize ♪but if you look inside, I’m sure you’ll find♪over your shoulder you know that I told you I’ll always be picking you up when you’re down♪So just turn around♪Ooh- ooh-ooh- ooh♪
………………………………………………
Josh>. ‘sup, mama? What you doing?
Mama>. Um, making dinner.
Josh>. Wow, you know, cooking sure requires lots of pots and pans and hard work. If only there was an easier way.
Drake>. What if I told you there was an easier way?
Josh>. Why, I’d say that’s crazy.
Drake>. Crazy like this grill?
Josh>. Whaaat?
Drake>. The Gary Coleman Grill.
Mama>. All right, what is that thing?
Drake>. What isn’t this thing? It cooks steaks, burgers, chops, chicken.
Josh>. Oh, so it just cooks things.
Drake>. No, It’s also… an MP3 player!
Josh>. Whoa! How much does it cost? A billion dollars?
Drake>. Nope, it’s only $39.95.
Josh>. [gasps] Impossible!
Mama>. Hey, if I buy one, will you two stop talking in those annoying voices?
Drake&Josh>. Deal.
Josh>. Hey, why don’t you buy 6?
Mama>. Because I’m not an idiot? Honey, look. I bought a Gary Coleman Grill.
Dad>. Great. Now we’ve got 7 of them.
………………………………………………
[school bell rings]
Drake>. There you are.
Josh>. For the last time, the answer is no.
Drake>. Then you’re not my brother anymore.
A classmate, Randy >. Drake, what[s the problem?
Drake>. Stay out pf this, Randy. Sell me a grill.
Josh>. Why should I ?
Drake>. Because it’s not fair. You got $100 Gary Coleman Grills / MP3 players. And I didn’t even get one Gary Coleman Grill / MP3 player.
Josh>. Why do you want one so bad?
Drake>. Because I want to be able grill meats and play music at the same time, and that’s the only machine that does it.
Josh>. So why don’t you go out and buy one?
Drake>. You know I can’t. They’re not available in America yet.
Josh>. Yeah, that’s why I bought 100 from my friend in Japan.
Drake>. So sell me one.
Josh>. But if I sell you one, then I have to sell everybody one.
Randy >. Yeah, man. You sell Drake one, I want one.
All>. I want one.
J>. OK, fine. I give up. I guess I’ll just have to sell everyone a Gary Coleman Grill / MP3 player. Put our money in the sack and grab yourself a grill.
[indistinct chatter]
D>. That’s right. Buy the grills.
……………………………………………..
D>. How much we got left?
J>. Ah, let’s see. After all stuff we bought, we still got… a little over 1,000 bucks left.
D>. Man, I cannot believe I can afford to buy clothes like this.
J>. Well, I can’t believe we can afford our own fooshockey table.
D>. I know.
J>. Let’s play.
D>. OK.
[buzzer]
D>. Man, do you realize, if we keep selling these grills like this, we’re going to be set for life?
D>. Financial security!
Megan >. All right. You guys bought all this stuff selling those stupid grills?
D>. Yep.
J>. Jealous much?
Megan>. Yeah. I want in.
D>. What?
Megan>. I want to sell some grills. Give me some grilles.
D>. No way.
J>. Stick to your lemonade stands, little girl.
Megan>. OK. Fine. But just remember, I’m younger than you. One day, you’ll both be old and sick. That’s when you’ll need me. But I’ll be in Europe, laughing it up at the two of you lying in bed gagging on your own saliva.
J>. Well, that was cheerful.
D>. Forget her. Soda me.
J>. Oh, with our new remote control soda shooter.
D>. Do it.
J>. Hey, look. We only got about 15 grills left.
D>. Oh, no prob. Buddy and guy are dropping off 100 more tonight.
[knocking on door]
D>. Oh, that must be our 4:00 massages.
J>. Wonder which one’s mine?
…………………………………….
[indistinct shouting]
J>. Here you go. Enjoy. Thank you.
D>. All right. OK. Everyone is going to have to disperse.
[crowd groans]
J>. Sorry, sorry. We just need to take a little inventory and count our money.
D>. But don’t worry. Come back in 30 minutes and we’ll be ready to sell more Gary Grills.
J>. Oh, you are the best brother.
D>. Oh, I’m thinking you are.
J>. Oh, I think you are.
D>.You trying to start a fight?
J>. Yeah. A money fight. Ha ha ha ha .
Police man>. Hey, excuse us. We don’t mean to interrupt your money fight, cut a friend of ours told us you were selling Gary Coleman Grills.
J>. Your friend is right.
D>. So how many you want?
Police man>. Well, tell you what. We’ll take them all.
D>. Wait, you want all of them?
Police man>. That’s right.
J>. Sorry, we only accept cash.
Police man>. These are badges.
D>. Dude, cash only.
Police man>. I don’t think you understand. Drake Parker? Josh Nichols?
J>. Yes?
D>. Yeah.
Police man>. You’re under arrest. Possession and sale of stolen property.
D>. Stolen? The grilles?
Police man>. That’s right.
J>. We were just selling them for these two guys.
D>. Yeah, we didn’t know they were stolen.
Police man>. Right.
Another police man>. Sure. Come with us, please.
J>. Drake.
D>. Yeah?
J>. I’ve read about prison.
D>. And?
J>. It ain’t fun!
…………………………………..
J>. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You can’t lock me in here. I’m on the honor roll! Drake, do something.
D>. Yeah, what do you want me to do?
J>. Tell them we didn’t steal those grills.
D>. I did. They don’t believe us.
J>. Well, I don’t belong in prison. Prison is for such and lowlifes. Expect for you guys. I’m sure you’re all wonderful people. Maybe later we can all get together and… let me out of here! I have a piano lesson!
D>. Don’t freak out, all right? We’ll figure a way out of this, but until then, just be cool, OK? These kids are tough.
J>. Right. Hiya. So, where do you go to school?
>. You know what color your guts are?
J>. No.
>. I do.
J>. Oh. is your father a surgeon?
D>. He’s not a good friend.
>. Hey. Give me your shoes.
J>. I’m not giving you my shoes. Drake.
D>. Give him your shoes.
J>. No. these have special arch supports.
Police man>. Parker. Nichols. I need to talk to you.
J>. Oh, thank you, thank you! [laughs] Try and hurt me now. Ohh! Oh! oh! He hurt me with my own underwear.
…………………………………
Police man>. Well, looks like you two boys are in some serious trouble.
D>. No, we didn’t do anything.
Police man>. Well, then, how come your partner’s sweating so much?
J>. It’s hereditary. I come from a family of moist men.
D>. Look, I told you. we’re innocent.
Police man>. Look, all I know is, last month, a truckload of Gary Coleman Grills were stolen out of Whippany, New Jersey.
Another police man>. Eyewitness say the thieves were two clean-cut Caucasian males.
D>. there you go. We’re not Caucasian. We’re white guys.
J>. [inaudible]
D>. Go ahead.
Police man>.we know you two stole the grills.
Another police man>. Why don’t you just admit it?
D>. Look, I told you. we were at the premiere, and two guys came up to us and offered us jobs selling grills.
Another police man>. OK. What were the names of these 2 guys?
J>. Um, well, one of their names was, uh… guy.
Another police man>. Right. Guy. And what was his buddy’s name?
D>. Buddy.
Police man>. I see, and did they have a third partner named Pal?
Another police man>. What about Dude, huh? Was Dude in on it with them?
J>. Hey, I think you’re mocking us.
Another police man>. I just want to know one thing. Why combine a personal grill with an MP3 player?
Police man>. Now that is bizarre.
J>. We don’t know.
D>. We didn’t make them.
Another police man>. No, you just stole them.
J.>. Right. Oh…
D>. Josh!
Another police man>. He just confessed.
J>. I did not!
Police man>. Well, then, you lied to him!
J>. Yes!
D>. Look, Josh…
Another police man>. How many songs does it hold?
Police man>. Tell us!
J>. Oh, leave me alone! I’m confused and sweaty.
…………………………
Another police man>. OK. You guys get one phone call each.
D>. I only get 2 chances to dial this phone.
J>. Yeah. We better call mom and dad.
D>. Right.
[telephone ringing on other end]
Megan>. Wait, hang on, Denise. I got another call on the other line.
[beep]
Megan>. Hello?
D>. Megan. Listen, it’s Drake. Me and Josh are in jail.
Megan>. Yeah, right.
D>. Wait, no! listen, Megan, this isn’t a joke…
[dial tone]
J>. What?
D>. she hung up on me!
J>. Oh, give me the phone.
[telephone ringing on other end]
Megan>. Wait, hang on, Denise. Got another call.
[beep]
Megan>. Hello?
J>. Megan, it’s Josh. Where’s mom and dad?
Megan>. Look, I’m on the other line with Denise.
J>. Megan, it’s important.
Megan>. Hang on. Let me get off my other call.
[beep]
Megan>. Denise, I got to go. My big boob of a brother is on the other line.
J>. Still me!
Megan>. Josh, what’s your problem? Denise and I are trying to talk about ponies.
J>. Megan, listen to me. Drake and I are in jail. I swear.
Megan>. Wait. You’re seriously in jail?
J>. yes. Those Gary Grills were stolen. Now, listen to me. We’re supposed to meet the grill guys at the premiere in an hour. So tell mom and dad…
Megan>. Wait.
J>. What?
Megan>. Do ponies lay eggs?
J>. Megan! This is important. Now would you stop playing around and just give me the…Megan? Megan. All yours.
……………………………………
A bad guy>. Man, where’s Drake and Josh?
Another bad guy>. I don’t know. You told them 5, right? They’re supposed to be here at 5.
Megan>. Hello.
A bad guy>. Hi.
Another bad guy>. Hi. What’s up?
Megan>. You waiting for Drake and Josh?
A bad guy>. Maybe.
Another bad guy>. And who are you?
Megan>. Their sister.
A bad guy>. And how can we help you?
Megan>. I want to sell grills.
[both laugh]
A bad guy>. What are you talking about?
Megan>. Look, let’s not play around. I can sell stuff way better than Drake and Josh can. That means I can make you guys more money than them.
A bad guy>. [scoffs] I doubt it.
Megan>. Do you? Excuse me, ma’am.
A lady>. Yes?
Megan>. I don’t mean to bother you, but if I don’t sell these grills, my daddy makes me sleep in the backyard. Will you please buy one? I miss my bed.
A lady>. Oh, of course. How much are they?
Megan>. $39.95 each, or 2 for $100.
A lady>. I’ll take both. Here’s $100.
Megan>. Thank you. Well?
Another bad guy>. OK. Ha. You’re good.
Megan>. I know. So you drop off the grills at my house, I sell them, and we split the profits 50-50.
A bad guy>. 50-50? You’re out of your mind.
Another bad guy>. Yeah. We were only paying your brothers 20%.
Megan>. Look, I know the grills are stolen.
Another bad guy>. Shh.
A bad guy>. Why would you say that?
Megan>. Because I’m not stupid, and I want 50%.
A bad guy>. You’re not getting half.
Another bad guy>. Yeah. We stole the grills, we took the risk.
Megan>. Oh. OK. That’s all I needed to hear. Gentlemen? Buddy, Guy, meet the FBI. FBI, meet Buddy and Guy.
Another bad guy>. You set us up!
Megan>. Yeah, I did.
A bad guy>. She’s a wearing a wire.
Megan>. Yeah, I was.
Mom>. You did it, sweetie.
Dad>. Good going, Megan.
Police man>. Come with us. Turn around. Hands behind your back.
Another police man>. Let’s go, Buddy.
A bad guy>. Actually, I’m guy.
Another bad guy>. Guy?
Guy>. Yeah?
Another bad guy>. I’ve read about prison.
Guy>. And?
Another bad guy>. It ain’t fun.
A lady>. Excuse me, are you this little girl’s father?
Dad>. Yes, I am.
A lady>. How dare you make her sleep in the yard!
………………………………..
J>.[harmonica playing]
>. Sorry.
J>. Happens.
D>. Mom!
J>. Dad?
Police man>. Parker, Nichols, free to go.
J>. We’re getting out?
D>. How come?
Mom>. Because your sister worked with the FBI and helped them set up a sting.
Dad>. Which helped them find the guys who really stole the grills.
D>. Megan?
J>. You helped us?
Megan>. Don’t get used to it.
Dad>. So, are Drake and Josh free to go?
Police man>. Almost. There is somebody who does want to say one thing to them. Mr. Coleman.
J>. Whoa. You’re Gary Coleman.
Gary>. I know who I am.
D>. What are you doing here?
Mom>. I’m sure he’s here to thank you for finding his stolen grills.
Gary>. Actually, no, that’s not why I’m here.
J>. Why?
Gary>. You sold all my grills, so I’m here to collect the money.
D>. Uh, we kind of spent it.
J>. Yeah. We’re really sorry.
Gary>. [laughs] You know, I know you didn’t spend all my money, because if you did, I’d be really upset.
D>. Oh. Your money! Yeah.
J>. Yeah!
Gary>. The money.
J>. We have your money.
Gary>. Where’s my money?
D>. Uh, we left it in this cell right here.
J>. Yeah, right…right under the bench.
Gary>. You left it in the cell? Guys, it took years to develop that grill…
J>. See you at home?
D>. Right behind you.
Gary>. Drake? Josh? You better come back here. Agent?
>. Hey. Give me your shoes.
Gary>. Back off!
>. Sorry.
………………………………….
Gary>. I want the two mermaid tables and I want the vibrating chair. I want the rocket bubble gum machine. I want the lava lamp.
>. Soda machine?
Gary>. Yes, the soda machine.
D>. He forgot the hockey table.
Gary>. I want the hockey table. And I want the translucent chair.
J>. Please can we keep the chair?
Gary>. Have you sat in it?
J>. Yes.
Gary>. Keep it.
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